Happiness is All About....

I was talking with someone the other day and we were talking about "happiness." About being happy. And how a lot of us going through life saying and thinking ok! When THIS happens, THEN I'll be happy! When I graduate I will be happy! When I move! Ill be happy then! When I'm dating someone, or married THEN I'll me happy! When I have kids I'll be happy! When I get that car I've always wanted I will be happy! When I get that dream job, or house I'll be happy THEN!  On and on and on...we look out THERE somewhere at things we don't have, but desire and say "when", "then"...I will be happy... But what does it actually mean to be or have this allusive thing we call "happiness" that we are always looking away ahead to take hold of as our own?

I was curious and decided to visit my good friend Webster. His definition of "happy" is:

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: (situation or person)  I.e. to be happy to see a person.

2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy:
a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

Happiness:

1. The quality or state of being happy

2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

The words that stood out to me:  "delighted or pleased as over a particular thing.."  "Contentment"...mmm a "happy frame of mind"...

If those are true and THAT is the definition of being happy or happiness, then perhaps happiness isn't so much out THERE as it is in HERE, in US...in our choices of what to focus on, what we let ourselves dwell on...

Guaranteed if any of us tried and actually looked for it, even if we didn't love our job, or our house or our relationship, or our place in life, I'm quite positive if we looked we could still find SOMETHING to delight about. We could still adjust our frame of mind to see joy in various aspects of our lives..

If we woke up this morning and the only things, people, situations left in our lives were the things we had thanked God for, or had acknowledge and been grateful for, had noticed, what would be here? Would we still have sunny days? Hear a good song on the radio? Be able to use our bodies to move, talk, laugh, run, jump, play? Would we still have hot showers? Mountains, oceans? A roof over our heads? Would we still have family or friends, or a delicious meal? Would we still have spouse, our kids, our brothers sisters moms or dads?  Would we still have good books, beds to sleep in, cars to drive in, would we still have mental clarity, be able to connect with people, to dream? Would we still be able to play sports, or video games, to watch sports, or movies? Would we be able to go to church, the grocery, the gym? Would we still have electricity, gas, heat or air conditioning? Would we still have our fingers, our toes, our senses of seeing, smell, touch, hearing taste? Would we be able to hug and kiss our loved ones? To hike, to take a road trip? To sit in silence? To witness the laughter and joy of kids? To witness the deep love of that elderly coupe who has been married for 60 years? To sleep? Would we still be able to write, cook, shop, camp? Would we be able to have adventures? Would we have clothes? Or shoes? A good glass of wine or a great beer from Europe? Would we still be able to travel or sit out in the field underneath the stars? Ride fore wheelers? Would we still be able to go see a movie, have a great conversation, plant a garden, or chop fire wood?  This list is inexhaustible, it could go on for days...my thought simply being, at least one of those things, or if not one of those, surely SOMETHING we do or experience each day, or the way we adjust our mindset, gives us joy or contentment, or rather that choose to see those things...

So what if, instead of waiting for this, that and the other thing OUT THERE to be happy, we looked at the beauty around us, saw those little daily joys and gifts and delighted in them.  There's a heck of a lot of life to live and it's been my experience thus far that rarely does life go exactly how you would expect or plan it to and yet, it's still a magnificent gift and there are still a million joys and delights to be had if we choose to see and experience them.. 

"It is not in the pursuit of happiness that we find fulfillment, it is in the happiness of pursuit."

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

I Was Late Because

I had a piano student today, she was almost 20 minutes late (which is super late considering the fact that lessons are only 30 minutes long). Breathless she came running in, apologizing profusely with a million excuses as to why she was late: the traffic was terrible, there was this one slow car, on and on and on...We got through the 10 minutes of lesson. Shortly after her I had another student come.

"Miss Maria, I'm sorry, but I didn't practice this wk."  That was all he said. He didn't make excuses for himself, he didn't try to justify it (I happened to know that homework was insane for him and that he had just started back with swim practice and that it was a particularly busy wk) He simply admitted what he had not done. Sat down and was ready to crack down to it.

Out of both of those incidences I saw myself--I too have been the person justifying my behaviors--both good and bad. But I too at other times have been one to simply admit something without the justification of the why...

I realized I was more impressed by the humility of my student who simply admitted this is what happened. (I late did ask why he didn't practice cause usually he was meticulous about getting his practicing done every wk and he explained as I was pretty sure was the case--homework, crazy wk, swimming)

And as I thought about that, I started thinking about how many times in relationships do we make justifications for our bad or inappropriate behavior? How many times do we blame our failure to do well in something, whether it's business, or hobbies, or work, on anyone and everything else besides ourselves? What would happen if today we took responsibility for our behavior? For our lack of? For words, our actions...? What would happen if today, instead of pointing fingers at everyone else, we looked in the mirror and said ok, I'm CHOOSING to make different choices today which will have an impact on everyone and everything? I'm taking responsibility for my attitude, for my mood, for the decisions and consequences of my choices....

Life changing....

Today, I challenge myself. And anyone else who wants to take that challenge--to take responsibility without justification and see what happens...

Make it a great day! :-)

I Met A Man...

I met a man today. I was at the gym pedaling away on the stationary bike rehabbing my knee, headphones on, focused, when this elderly gentleman caught my attention, sat on the bike next to me and he too started pedaling away. He looked over at me and smiled. A very wise man once told me when an elderly person takes the time to share, you should always take the time to listen because these older people, from an entirely different generation, have gems of wisdom that it would be in my best interest to listen to. So taking my headphones off I smiled back at him and said hello and there began a beautiful conversation filled with golden nuggets of goodness.

As we pedaled along, he began to tell me his story, his chocolate colored face etched with wrinkles, yet eyes that shone as bright as the sun and so animated... He said he had worked at a school for over 30 years and just LOVED it. His was was beaming as he said that. I asked him if he was a teacher, fully expecting an affirmative. Instead, smile on his face, he shook his head no. "I was a janitor! And let me tell you, I could get through to those kids in ways that the parents or teachers couldn't. I still run into some of them 'kids' who are adults now who thank me for talking with them that day at school, it was cause of this or that conversation that they didn't drop out."  

Me: "No kidding! What did you say to make help them make better choices?"

Mr. William: "Oh it's all in the way you talk with them! You never put a child or teenager in a situation in which he or she would be embarrassed. That's not the way to do it. Sometimes when you talk with someone you need to use a real gentle, quiet voice, other times I had to raise it just slightly and put emphasis so they got the point, but it all depends on the person. You gotta know who you're talking to, gotta read them and let them know you care. Cause if you don't care, they won't care. You gotta love 'em! What we say to them, how we use our words make a huge difference. People have forgotten that these days. Our words can literally change a persons entire life. It's so important to be wise in our words. To pray for wisdom. "

Our words...words...words...Napoleon Hill once said "Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another." mmm. What we say we impacts thoughts and thoughts impacts actions and our actions show the world who we are and can go on forever.

When I got injured, that fateful day in Feb. and since then, I have had more people tell me "Well don't expect to get well too fast. Cause my nephew's uncles' mother's daughter had such and such happen...blah blah blah..."  I had someone else tell me "Well I don't want to give you false hope by encouraging you that you will be stronger than you were before."  Or "Well, you definitely won't--this or that..."  One day particularly I had had many people, some just strangers, others friends, or acquaintances telling me the various negative possibilities in the way of my knee healing fast, I got in my car, and one of my friends called and I pretty much shouted out at her "I am SO TIRED of people trying to make THEIR story MY story! I REFUSE to limit myself, my thoughts, my body, my GOD to what THEIR personal stories and limitations are/were!!! That is NOT my story! My story is going to be different! Because I am going to be healed 110% when all of this is over! I'm going to be stronger than I was before, I'm going to be better than I was before, I'm going to have more mobility than I did before, I REFUSE to claim their story as MINE. Cause it's NOT my story! End of discussion!!!"  My friend started laughing was like "hmmm, could you please repeat that with a little more conviction?!" I busted up laughing.  But it made me stop and think--the power that our words have to harm or heal, to build up or tear down, to encourage or discourage. And you know what?

Everyday I wake up, and I tell myself by God's grace I'm healed and healing and I'm stronger than I was, and I have full mobility back, etc. I claim it. I full expect it. I have a handful of special people in my life who have said the same thing, who have remembered to use their words to claim that truth and belief with me, who have encouraged me. My PT and Surgeon and pretty much everyone who I have met who have had a similar surgery have been amazed at how far ahead of schedule my recovery is, how strong my knee is getting, how much mobility I have back, how good the scar looks. Prayer, being consistent with physical therapy exercises even on days when I don't have PT, nutrition/supplements/holistically approaching all of this I know has made a difference but also the power of WORDS and THOUGHTS. Our words, our thoughts make a difference in our lives and in the lives of those we encounter.

I read a study recently that talked about children whose parents constantly were on their backs about being 'fat' ended up statistically being overweight more so than those children whose parents weren't constantly ragging on them about being 'fat'. 

I was with a family not too long ago it seems like everything seems to go right for them and I was curious, but something I noticed was EVERY person in the family ALL the time spoke positive, spoke blessings, spoke goodness--to each other, to strangers, about life....they claimed God's grace and goodness and blessings...They spoke positive...God spoke and the world WAS. God spoke and the Word became Flesh...The power of the spoken word...I think often times we underestimate it.

So today, I challenge you--what if everything you said became true? Would your life be a big black rain cloud that you couldn't get out from under it, or would it be a life of beauty and joy and blessings and successes and triumphs? Let's speak good of others, let's speak good of ourselves, let's use our words NOT to gossip, or tear down others, or to destroy, but to bear forth LIFE into all we encounter.

"Our words, once uttered, echo into eternity. What will your echo be?"

Proverbs 18:21 "Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof."

Ephesians 4:29 "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers."

Proverbs 16:24 "Pleasant words [are as] an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones."

Romans 12: 14 ".....bless, and curse not.

Eye of the Tiger

7 weeks. It's been almost 2 months since I got injured and 6 wks since surgery. It's crazy to think how far I've come and yet to see how far there is still to go.  It's crazy to read my journal and see how incredibly dark the first 4 wks were particularly, how painful absolutely everything was, how limited I was in the things I could do and to see how much I can do now, how much the pain has lessened and yet, how much of a battle is still left to fight, how frustrating and painful it still is at times.

Before I went into surgery I spoke with a lot of people who had had this same injury, had surgery and recovered. What I noticed was across the board virtually everyone was back physically 100% by about 6 months. Some before that. But they ALL said it took them about a year or longer to get back 100% mentally. I learned from that and took it as a challenge. To me that said ok, then, if I want to be 100% back in the game physically, mentally, etc. That means I have to control my thoughts and not let them control ME. I have to choose what thoughts I allow to enter my mind and hang out there. If I can be ahead of the game mentally, then physically my body will follow. 

Not too long after surgery I read a story about a gal who was in a Tsunami. She survived by holding onto a palm tree, but in the process some of her ribs were broken, her pelvis was broken, legs broken and many other injuries. The doctors and nurses in that country where she was being cared for told her she would never walk or run again. She was devastated and resigned herself to that and was in a deep depression. One evening while she was still in the hospital a new doctor came in; he told her if she would change her thoughts, decide she was going to get well, that her body was going to heal, to choose positive thoughts that, she WOULD run again. But the thoughts that she allowed to permeate her mind would determine her outcome. The next day, the doctors and nurses were astounded by her 180 degree change for the better.  Today this woman has full function and mobility in her body and runs daily.

Our thoughts. mmm...the incredible power of our thoughts. Scripture talks about the importance and gravity of our thoughts. Books have been written about the power of our thoughts. The more we dwell on the negative, the more the negative has  away of becoming our reality. The more we think it, the more we speak it, the more it becomes all that we see and we tend to live out of that negativity and everything that comes out of it.

I decided to fight for positive thoughts. I decided to believe in the power of prayer. I decided to believe that I would be 110% back even stronger and healthier than I was before. I decided that if God gave me the ability to CHOOSE my thoughts that I would choose the good, the positive. I would claim healing in His name, I would CHOOSE to believe and to act on that belief.  Our Thoughts. 
"be transformed by the renewal of your mind" (Romans 12:2). 
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." (Phil. 4:8).

I decided to have the " Eye of the Tiger " (click on the link) to focus in on the positive. And the results have been amazing. My surgeon has been amazed at my recovery, how quickly I'm getting back to where I was, how strong....I don't say that to impress you that I'm doing something amazing; cause I'm not. I say it rather to impress upon you the importance of our thoughts. It DOES make a difference. If we focus on everything bad in our life, that's all we will be able to see, but if we focus on our blessings, on the gifts, on the beauty, on the joys, it will change us. It will change those around us. It will help change the world.

What are your thoughts today? We have the power to CHOOSE. So let's choose wisely!

The Journey...

Day After Surgery

Taking the Brace off for the first time post Surgery

Check out the Bruise

One of my 'Friends' throughout my recovery

First time for Physical Therapy

Trying to Workout Post Surgery

Working on Getting my Range of Motion back

Trying to remember what it's like to feel 'pretty'. Sport the brace baby!

PT! Bike

Icing the Knee

My Favorite Place: PT! Cause it's getting me closer to where I want to be!

My Motto

Focus!

Once Upon a Time...

I don't know about you, but I can get very fixated on one thing. When I like something and I'm in my groove it's all about that. I stay focused. Which can be a really good thing or a bad thing depending on the circumstances. 

When everything was OK physically, even though life was particularly stressful, I was still kind of 'in my groove" so to speak. And I held on tightly to that. Maybe too tightly. I was independent. I could do things myself.  It's easy to think we know what is best for us. It's easier to hold on to things that are steady, comfortable. But when that's taken away from us, whether it be for a brief moment, or forever, we can stay fixated on it still--looking back, lamenting. And in that process we miss something really awesome and beautiful that the Lord wants to give to us.  

The day before my surgery I went to Mass and Father told a story in his homily. It was one of those moments when I knew it was directly the Lord talking to me through this story. Do you ever have those moments? Where you KNOW it's God talking directly to you but you don't want to hear it? Yeah, I kinda love-hate them. Where you want to just tell Him to shut up cause you can't hear it right now? And yet, you know you need to? Ahh..the patience of God with us His stubborn children. Lol I want to share this story with you. I fought it for a while. But after a little bit all you can do is breathe. Surrender. Open your arms and heart wide open to let Him give us beautiful things in the ways He wants...Maybe this story is for you today. I pray it is. I pray it gives you hope. God wants to give us beautiful things, truly He does. Even when it doesn't look beautiful to us. 

I feel like this is a fitting song to listen to as you read...enjoy! Beautiful Things

"There is a story about a poor carpenter named  Pete. Pete met the King who was having a party and the king invited him to his party. Pete was grateful, but told the king no thank you, he hadn't proper clothes to wear to the party. So the king said no worries, I have a whole wardrobe you may choose from! One of his servants came to take Pete to the wardrobe to change. He took off his old patched up clothes and the servant took them to throw them away. Pete immediately said “no no! I might need those again; what if the clothes I'm wearing get soiled, or I spill something on them?” Servant: "well, then you can come up here and put some new clothes on from the King's wardrobe, he has given you full access to them!” But Pete couldn't let go of his old clothes, so the servant took Pete's old clothes, folded them and handed them back to Pete who was decked out in the new ones. Down to the party he went. 

There was delicious food, dancing, wonderful engaging people, but Pete wasn't able to join in on any of it. It's really hard to to get food with one hand and eat while trying to hold on to his old clothes with the other hand. Same with the dancing and the conversations—It was hard to concentrate or to just let go while he was trying to hold on and remember to hold tightly to the old clothes underneath his arm. After the party, everyone went home laughing and talking about what a wonderful time they had. Everyone had had fun except for Pete. He had spent so much time holding on and worrying about taking care of his old clothes, he wasn't able to enjoy all the new amazing gifts he could have had in the new clothes, good food, new friends, great music and dancing. 

And so it is with us; God wants to give us new beautiful awesome gifts. But sometimes we are holding so tightly to all the old stuff, or old wounds, injuries, or whatever, that we are missing the beautiful things the Lord wants to give us. So today, let go of the old. Open up our hearts and hands to the new, the beautiful, the good that God wants to give us. He makes beautiful things out of dust. Beautiful things out of us...

It's The Little Things...Like Going to the Bathroom by Yourself!

It's funny. Most of us are so used to life. Our alarm goes off way too early, we roll over, hit the snooze button, eventually get up get up, get dressed, run down the stairs, grab a cup of coffee on the way out. We get in the car, drive to work, or school, or gym, or wherever. Throughout the day we do go to the bathroom when we need to, we walk or run from place to place, we pick up something that we dropped. After work maybe we go grab a drink with a friend, or work out, or come home to our families, or roommates, or to a quiet house, we make dinner, we read, or watch a little tv, we eventually take a shower, get ready for bed and it starts all over again the next day.

Obviously, that was super generalized. But the point being many of us kind of coast through life without thinking how perfectly our bodies work to do the daily things we do each day. Like go to the bathroom by ourselves. Like drive ourselves. Like walk up or down the stairs. As I lay there on the couch with my leg up, ice packs on it, the utter helplessness that engulfed me, the total dependency I had on those who were helping me, it hit me. I couldn't do anything by myself for a while. I had to call someone from another room to hand me something that was a foot and half away from me. I had to have help going to the bathroom, I had to have help showering, going up or down stairs the first several days? Forget it! Driving? HA! Not happening for a while.  I couldn't even roll over. Dang.

I'm not sure I have words to explain how shocking this was for me--I who had been so self sufficient, so independent couldn't do ANYTHING for myself or BY myself! I, who was the helper, the care-giver, the one very willing to serve and give of myself in however I could to help someone couldn't even help myself. Oh sweet vulnerability. Humility. Surrender. How do you pray during something like that?

There is a picture of Jesus that some of my friends and I call the 'hot Jesus" (don't be scandalized people or take it the wrong way! it's just one of the few pictures of Jesus that the artist did a beautiful job of making Him look handsome!) this picture hung on the wall that I faced while laying on the couch. So on those many days that followed as I lay there, with really nothing to say--when you're in a lot of pain and foggy from the meds, there's not much to say most days...Or that was the case for me. I'm sure everyone has different experiences.  But most days, it was all I could do to just look at Him and He would look at me. That was my prayer, my plea, an exchange of hearts through a gaze. That was all I could do. And somehow--that was enough...Breathing it all in with acceptance seemed to be important. Not fighting and angry that I was where I was. Surrendering. But not giving up. If you give up in an injury like that, then you lose. Losing was not an option for me. Coming back 100%, better, stronger, THAT had to be what I looked towards. But in the meantime, breathing, Breathing in Jesus, breathing out peace.  Breathing...

My first shower post surgery was literally over a 2 hour endeavor. No joke, the things we take for granted... My second shower  we thought might be a little quicker cause we had figured out a system that seemed to work. We put a chair in the shower and I could sit on the chair with my leg propped up on the walker (yes, I was a rock-star, I didn't just have crutches, I had a WALKER! ha! just call me 'grandma!" )  Long story short,  this 2nd shower didn't work as well, I leaned too far forward when I had just sat down on the chair and the chair slipped out from underneath me making my knee go into a waaaay deeper flexion then it was ready for.  OUCH!!!! I slightly panicked thinking I had re-injured it. 

As I'm crying, the phone rings, it was the Physical Therapy place they were calling to let me know they had run my insurance and it turned out my insurance didn't cover outpatient PT, so I would have to pay out of pocket. 12 wks of PT. 2-3 times a wk. I cried harder. The phone rang again--this time one of the gyms where I teach a fitness class saying I wouldn't be able to come back to work cause of HR stuff with the injury would need to take a leave blah blah blah. More tears.  Phone rings again (Don't answer! was my thought as each call seemed to be worse news!) The hospital--again about insurance 'stuff'. Long story short? I would be paying between $8,000-$10,000 out of pocket. Sometimes all you can do is cry from the pain. From the stress. From exhaustion. From too much emotional and mental stimuli in too short amount of time. And so I did. Trust. Breathe. Somehow it would be ok. Let me tell you talking to yourself can be a great thing! haha


Today, whatever you're going through--breathe. Sometimes that's enough. Simply breathing. Not fighting it, not ranting and raving (although I think THAT is also an important part of the healing process) but breathing...Breathe....

“Sometimes it's the same moments that take your breath away that breathe purpose and love back into your life.” 

Just for a fun. Here's a little Matt Kearney for ya! Breathe

Bitter Or....

Surgery Day! Ugh...I think anyone who has had to go somewhere or do something they dread, or have a really hard conversation, or anything that brings up that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, can understand what it's like to feel like you are walking into a bad dream and there is nothing you can do about it. I didn't sleep much at all the night before because I was in so much pain physically, so anxious, sad and the list goes on and on.

That's how I felt the morning of my surgery--It was cold, gray, icy/sleeting/snow outside as we headed to the hospital. My stomach was in knots and each slow mile brought me closer to the place that would both help get me closer to being back 110% but also would really really be absolutely MISERABLE for a while too. Mentally it was so hard because if looked too far ahead it was  devastating--cause it would be months before I would really be back my regular groove of physical movement, but staying in the moment was even worse because the pain on so many levels was so bad and looking back was terrible cause you couldn't change anything...It was a rough time...

We arrived at the hospital which took over an hour to get to cause the roads were so bad (crazy weather! oiy..)and there were accidents EVERYWHERE!  After being in the waiting room and signing my life away with all the paperwork they took me back and did the 'stuff' you do before surgery--(if you've never had to go through it, I don't recommend it! HA!) Answers lots of questions, strip down, Answer a few more questions, put on that classy hospital gown, IV in the arm, shocker--more questions "Are you allergic to...such and such meds?" on and on and on.

Then, you wait. And pray. And wait some more...I was the second person to have surgery that morning, and the first one seemed to take forever--everything got started late apparently because of weather. The roads were so bad that the Doctor and Staff were all late arriving to the hospital which put everything behind.

Finally, it was time. They put the 'go to sleep' meds in the IV, wheel you to the next room while you're laying in the bed starting to get really drowsy and then nothing.  My next memory was being coherent and being in excruciating pain, but still so drowsy that I couldn't open my eyes and I couldn't say anything. I heard a nurse and my mom talking and them saying the pain meds needed to be adjusted cause they could tell I was in a lot of pain. I wanted to tell them how much, I wanted to say something, anything, to open my eyes, but I was still so out of it I couldn't do anything but lay there with this vague consciousness going on.

Finally I was awake enough to realize surgery was over, and I had to somehow get off the bed into the wheelchair to be wheeled out to be taken home. Agonizing. Every movement hurt. The nurse and my mom helped me in the van--I was still not so coherent, but enough to realize that every bump we went over shot pain from my knee to what seemed my entire body.

I could go on and on about it all. There's so much that I don't remember now, except from what I wrote down in my journal at the time. It was rough. You want to talk about having no dignity left? Try not being able to pee without help--I couldn't bend my knee and the meds had me so foggy and my balance off. Humility took on a whole new meaning.

From my journal the next day:

"First day after the surgery; I'm still kind of out of it, but a little more coherent today than I was last night. Pain is definitely worse. Oh gosh...Glad to have the intention board to offer up each part of this for specific people, things, intentions..I can't even go to the bathroom on my own. Oh sweet humility. I literally can't do anything on my own..hmm, what a change of events. Well, I can have a bitter pissed off attitude or I can choose to be grateful for the little gifts...Ok Maria Angelina! Look at your poster with your goals on it---Choosing a good attitude starting RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT...NOW!"

(Side note: Intention board reference. I asked people to give me stuff to pray for for them--so when the pain was really bad, or I was frustrated or whatever, I could look at the poster with people and their intentions written on it and pray for them. It helped put a focus and a meaning to something that in someways at times felt so meaningless. Goals Poster reference. I had/have a poster with all my goals written in bold black marker of where I will get back to per recovery from this.)

Because make no mistake--By God's grace, I will come back stronger, healthier, more whole, more patient, more loving, more understanding-a better individual from all of this. I will dance more than I ever have, I will hike, and bike and run, lift and train like I've never trained before. Because Life's challenges simply give us opportunities to become bitter or better. It's always a choice. It requires a surrender. A dying to self. And it's freaking PAINFUL. And at times I've questioned whether I would be able to choose the better, cause sometimes it's so hard and painful you can't see anything but the dark, the anger, the sadness, the pain...But when that happens, it's amazing what happens when we are loved well in our darkness. Somehow that love has a way of breaking through the bleakness, the hopeless feelings that can surround us. 

So today, whoever you are, wherever you are. Love those people in your life. Love them well. Let them know they are loved. That you are there for them. Looking back now, it was LOVE that broke through for me, that kept me hanging on during a time when I didn't want to and didn't think I could...So love people today! 

Love Broke Through 

"Your love has called me out, out of my sorrow out of my broken places, hope has been renewed cause there in the darkness, there in the darkness Love broke through."

"In the evening of our life, we will be judged by our Love..."

Everyone needs...

Everyone needs beautiful people in their lives and random acts of kindness from strangers.

  Continued from my journal a few days after the diagnosis and scheduling the surgery which would be a wk later.

"So surgery will be next Monday. I've been on the phone with the hospital, with the doctors office, with Insurance it seems like all day. I'm freaking out because on top of everything apparently my Insurance is lousy and doesn't cover much so I will be paying out of pocket somewhere close to $8,000-10,000 after everything is said and done. It's just been one thing after another. I have never felt so abandoned. So alone. So defeated. The pain of everything physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually was so intense that at times it felt like I couldn't handle one more minute of it. It was everything. It was nothing. It was a despair so deep I don't even have words to explain. So dark. I want to run, I want to hike, I want to lift, I want to drive! Oh to have some semblance of normalcy back, but it doesn't look like that will be for a while..."

And then a few days later:

"A day of depress and despair. Wow. I didn't know I could get so low. I went to Mass, then ran some errands, (driving with my left foot, yes I'm actually a great left-footed driver) one of those being Target where I ran into a friend which was such a gift. We were standing in line and this lady heard us talking about needing a good PT and she, ever so kind and funny, “Excuse me ladies? I wasn't trying to eavesdrop but I was totally eavesdropping—there's a gal, her name is Heather who is absolutely AMAZING for PT, do you want her info?” I gave her my card and an hour later she had texted me her info. So kind! And random. Not sure whether I will use the gal or not, but it was a kind gesture. Amazing how something so simple, a random act of kindness from a stranger could mean so much. "

"On the same token, as much as beautiful people in our lives can mean so much, even as simple and little as the gesture may be, someone who we think is close to us, or once was, when they don't acknowledge us or reach out in any way can be as devastating as the other was beautiful. There was an experience with that as well today...and when I got home from running my errands, I laid on my floor in my room and cried. For hours. I just laid there. I knew I needed to work on stuff like taxes and other important things, but the depth of depression and despair was so deep I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be in this nightmare. But here I was. Stuck. Finally after laying there for hours I made myself get up, go to the gym, work out upper body, then go by Church to see Jesus. I was sooo angry, in so much pain physically and emotionally and heart-wise...I got back in my car and cried and screamed and yelled...I was done. So done...

I got home and can I just say, never underestimate the beauty and value of a good friend. A lovely friend came over, brought me dinner, and we laughed and talked and laughed and watched part of a movie and solved the world's problems and somehow even though the laughter was coupled with tears at times as I shared my sadness and anger, it was a gift and I was grateful. Oh so grateful. Never underestimate what you can do as a friend for someone..."

Something I learned from this--When someone is going through something so painful and deep, sometimes they don't need to hear "oh good is going to come from this!" or 'Everything happens for a reason!" or "God has a plan!"  none of that helped. In my head I knew this but it didn't help and only made me angry. The things that were like a healing balm to my soul during those dark days were those who sat and cried with me--sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively via a text or phone call or email, or card....those who were like yes! This is HORRIBLE! and PAINFUL! and DEVASTATING! BUT you're NOT alone! If I can do anything for you I'm here...It won't always be this dark but right now it's the worst...You WILL get through this! You WILL come back 110%!" "If you need to scream or cry, DO IT!".... THOSE things meant so much to me.

Sometimes it's easy to think if we are trying to be 'strong' or good faithful people who love the Lord that we mask the pain we experience at times and pretend like it's not that bad because we think it shows a lack of faith in the Father and His plan for our lives. When the reality is being real and vulnerable at times, admitting that something hurts like hell, THAT is being strong. THAT is being Faithful. Real. Raw. Human. God has a plan and will bring good out of the various situations we find ourselves in, yes. But that doesn't take away from the reality that sometimes life just HURTS. Like crazy! And it's absolutely devastating and MISERABLE. 

And you know what? It's ok to admit that. I don't know who all is reading this. Or what you're going through, but it's ok to yell at the Father and tell Him you're so mad and don't understand. He can handle it. It's ok to be real. It's ok. It's all part of the journey. And guess what? It won't always be this dark. You're not alone. And you WILL come back stronger. God DOES have a plan and will bring beauty and greatness out of whatever you're going through. But you probably don't want to hear that right now. It's enough to know to be reminded that you may be going through hell, but you're not alone...

Someone posted this on my fb wall when I was really struggling and it made me laugh, so I'm gonna share it just for fun.... If You're Going through hell   enjoy!

Be blessed!
Love,
Maria

I Hate This

(Disclaimer--As I share this, I'm not in such a dark place anymore as this was almost 4 wks ago, so if you're someone who is a very empathetic person, please don't let it let it bother you! :-)

From my Journal the day after the accident:

"I think it's worse than what I would like to think. I've been laying on the couch all day with my leg up, pain off and on, but pretty much I can't use my leg. I'm freaking out. So depressed and can't stop crying. I hate this. Oh I hate this so much. I'm trying to pray, but all I can say is Jesus...and even that seems to have so little meaning in these moments..A million questions going through my head. Why didn't I just go home last night instead of training? Why didn't I just sit on the sides and watch when I mentally was not in a good training place? God why did this happen? I just don't understand..."

Why. WHy. WHY?!!!! mmm...Whenever something bad happens we always ask that 'Why' question don't we? And then frequently follows the beating up "I shouldn't have done...Instead I should have..." Should haves and Shouldn't Haves. Whys and Why nots...They'll make us crazy. Let go. We can't change it. It happened. Where do we go from here? But I wasn't there yet. I wasn't able to even ask myself where do we go from here. I was simply trying to make it through the next moment. The hour. The next day...Breathe...

The next day my mom came in town to go with me to the doctors--Xrays, MRI...Hospitals.Waiting rooms...Results I didn't want to hear, but somehow inside I knew. Again from my journal:

"I'm not sure I can voice the absolute devastation that overtook me when the doctor said those horrid, dreaded words: "ACL, MCL, Meniscus all torn!"  and showed me the MRI pics...I was fighting back tears so fiercely, but couldn't stop them and as soon as he left the room, a waterfall was borne...ACL. Torn...and not just that but all 3...I'd heard the stories. I'd had friends who had experienced this situation. But not all 3. And none of them were as active as I. None of them seemed to relish the feeling of freedom in their body as I did when I would work out, or run, or hike or do anything physically. Maybe they did and I neglected to notice. Maybe they were just as devastated as me but just hid it really well. I don't really know. I just know that I felt like my whole world was ending. Like I had been punched in the stomach and couldn't breathe. And even if I could, I didn't want to. Because breathing meant I was alive and that meant pain in this moment. Life was over as I knew it for a while...But I couldn't stop there and grieve this intense loss. Decisions had to be made—decisions for surgery; repair, or reconstruction? And if reconstruction what do I let them take the graft from? My patella, hamstring or a cadaver? None of them seemed to be good options. The quality of my life as I had known it I saw it slowly sinking away deeper and deeper and deeper. And with that vision, my hope dwindled so quickly."

"Mom and I got home and I just sat on the couch, bawling, curled up as best as I could with a bum knee...mom came over, put her arms around me and sobbed with me. Devastation. Loss. Grief. A Death of a sort. I, who tried for so long and so hard to be faithful, to Live Love, to serve, to reach out to others, to live my life with an Irrevocable Fiat to the Lord in all He asked of me...This was the result?  I am SOOO ANGRY! I don't understand. It wasn't one of those situations where you never pay attention to God until something bad happens and then you acknowledge Him only in order to have someone to blame. No, in the good I saw Him, in the bad I always tried to see His hand in bringing good out of it, but in THIS I am just angry. I don't understand... I can't believe an hour before this happened I was on the phone with my sis in law in tears telling her the frustrations/sadness/pain in all the other areas of my life, but was saying “you know I'm just so grateful that at least physically I'm doing so well—that I can work out and train and relieve some of this stress...I'm so grateful...” and hour later—boom! That was taken from me too. The depth of anger and sadness and pain, I don't even have words to express. This would be bad enough, but it was too close to all the other excruciatingly painful experiences of life in too short amount of time on too many levels...too much. Way too much."

Sometimes there's nothing else to do but cry. And so I did. I cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore. And then I cried some more. I cried myself to sleep that night, from the stress, the pain, the frustration, the anger, the sadness. All of it...I cried. 

Listen, I don't know who all is reading this. But I do know this. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to grieve. Don't be afraid to express to the Lord that you're angry! It's ok. It won't always be like this. But if you need to cry, cry. If you've never had a gut wrenching cry where your whole body is convulsing, where you start hyperventilating from the depth of the sobs, let me tell you--Sometimes it's necessary...And if you started sharing your story with me now, of your pain, of your hardship, of your grieving, pretty guaranteed I too would sit down with you, wrap my arms around you and sob with you...sometimes we need people to cry with us. To not tell us it's going to be ok. But to just grieve with us and that's ok. You're not alone. Don't be afraid to cry. Sometimes that's the strongest you'll ever be....

"When we are hurting the tendency is to put up walls, to pretend like everything is ok. But sometimes it isn't ok and there's nothing wrong with admitting that. Welcome to broken humanity. It's real. It's raw. It's Beautiful. And we will come out all the better for it."

Let's Get Physical

I shared the story about my grandma because I think it will be helpful to see the kind of frame of mind I was in when the injury happened. Prior to my grandmas death there had been a lot of hard/painful events going on in my personal life that just hit my heart in a deep painful way.  My grandmas death that wk just added salt to the wound.


We buried my grandma on Friday. Company was in town all wknd and left on Sunday. Monday dawned bright and early it was overcast and cold out. I was exhausted, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I wanted to stay in bed and not face the day. I was tired of the cold dark that seemed to permeate the last several months. I was emotionally exhausted from everything that had been going on and from the wk before.  But one thing I have always believed and shared is that our thoughts impact our actions, so I pushed out those negative thoughts, said good morning Lord thank you for today! Got up went to Mass and my day began.


Anyone who knows me knows that health and fitness is a huge and passionate part of my life; for many reasons (though if I keep doing this blog thing I'm sure you'll understand that way more than you ever wanted to! HA!). But one of the things I love about fitness--or just physical activity in general is the stress release it provides. If I was frustrated--I would take a run, a hike, or I would go lift, or train...Then after getting that "angst' out in a physical way, I could sit and think and talk with the Lord about it all, doing something physical like that had a way of allowing me to 'breathe', chilling me out, getting the frustration or sadness or whatever to a level of being able to work through it. Sometimes it allowed me to think while doing whatever the activity was, but not be so consumed by those thoughts that it was a negative thing. Let me tell you, endorphins are a wonderful thing! :-)


Being that it had been such a stressful week and weekend, I was looking forward to the stress release that my Krav Maga and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes would offer that evening. By the time I got to class 30 min early I realized how tired I was. I was sitting in my car talking w my sis in law sharing some of my stresses and in tears saying well at least physically I'm doing well and I'm so grateful for that because I'm healthy and able to move and take a hike or lift, or train, etc. I got off the phone with her, dried my tears and it suddenly hit me how exhausted I was. I debated whether to just go home, but I was already here, had been looking forward to it, so out I got.


Training started and it felt so good! I love how our bodies can move and be challenged and grow stronger. Today we started working on throws. I had several decent ones and then I took a step where you're not supposed to step and bam! The guy I was throwing landed on my ankle, I fell and in the process my knee hyper-extended. Immediate pain. I could tell it was bad but how bad wasn't sure. The on-lookers thought I had perhaps broken my leg it was bent at such an unnatural angle.


I scooted to the side and for the rest of class sat back with my leg up and an ice pack on my knee and put some herbal supplements that help with healing/swelling, etc.  After class, I thought with a little assistance I could make it home by myself, however upon standing I immediately collapsed and realized that wasn't going to happen. One of my coaches carried me to my car, I sat there trying to get my breath as the pain increased and as the pain increased I realized this was worse than I thought. I began to cry, crying from the pain of the knee, crying from frustration, crying from all that had been going on so painful in my life for the last several months. My body started to go into shock and everything went numb, I knew I was about to pass out. My coach carried me back into the gym because obviously I was in no place to drive home. Long story short, I had to be taken home, carried in the house and I laid there on the couch, leg up, ice pack on. That day marked the start of a journey that I had no desire to be on, but I couldn't change.

Defining moments. They happen and frequently not by choice.  It's where you go from there that changes you. While you're broken you usually become bitter or better...And in that moment I couldn't ignore the depth of my brokenness.

Timing is Everything

My grandma had just died of cancer. The month leading up to her death was particularly painful as I would drive back and forth the hr and 20 minutes to spend some time with her and help in any way I could. It's a strange grieving process that takes place when you know someone you love is going to die--you don't know the when exactly but you know it's getting close. Watching those around you who also love that person and seeing how they grieve (or don't allow themselves to grieve even though it was obvious at times that they needed to) and seeing their pain in many ways only intensified the sadness.



The human body is an amazing creation. I can't look at it and not be in awe at God's creativity and genius. But as the human body shuts down due to something like cancer, you also recognize how fragile and precious life is, how perfectly our bodies work to keep us alive, yet how when one thing shuts down it impacts everything else. It was such a humbling experience helping with simple things with my grandma, like helping her use the bathroom as she couldn't even do that on her own the last few wks and then in the last days helping change her, clean her, etc. Upholding her dignity as a lovely elderly person (she was 91) was so important. This beautiful grandmother who had probably changed my diaper while I was a baby, suddenly the roles were now reversed...So much to process.



I'm a musician, so playing, singing, writing is one of the big ways that helps me process life (along with physical activity). So my grandma's death of course brought out music...I've played for many many funerals over the years, but never for someone close to me, but I wanted to sing and play for my Grandma's funeral, for me it was like one last gift that I could offer. I wasn't sure whether I would make it throw without breaking down, but I was willing to try...



Below is the song I wrote for her...Actually I wrote it for myself and for someone else I was once close to who lost his grandma. Words can't express the depth of sorrow when you lose someone you love; whether it be from death, or simply life when people walk out of your life for whatever reason. 

Someone told me that when you're going through hard times rather than run from it, you just gotta ride the wave--not try to push it away or run from it...Ride it out...

So if you're going through a hard time know that it's not the end of the story...Rather than running from it, know you're not alone. God is going to bring something awesome and beautiful out of the pain...Ride the Wave...


Ride The Wave


 Ride it like a wave

It was dark and gray when the telephone rang
I didnt want to believe what i heard him sayin
My heart stopped in my chest
And i didnt hear the rest
after the words "she is gone"

There's no good way to hear that news
Someone Please tell me it's not  true
I collapsed on that cold kitchen floor
shaking with sobs uncontrolled

And in my mind I could still hear her voice echoing

Don't run from the pain
Don't push it away
Rather ride it like a wave

I know it won't always hurt this bad
one day I will remember what it's like to laugh
But right now im open and  raw
I don't want to feel at all anymore

Mama could patch a scraped up knee
But a band aid won't work for a heart that bleeds
No nice words can make this pain subside
Down on your knees in the middle of your darkest night

Out of every death comes a life
Out of every darkness shines a light
In the night
Your soul will sing again
This is not the end of the story

Then sings my soul...

By Maria Spears
Copyright Maria Spears Music 2014

Vulnerability

I travel a lot. One of my favorite things about traveling is the different people I meet from all over. I meet them on planes, trains, buses, subways, walking, hiking, running, you name it. I love meeting and hearing the stories  of humanity, how each person got to where they are now. It's amazing to me how frequently in getting to know people, both young and old alike, how many have shared with me about various situations that happened in their life that they look back on and say "that was a defining time in my life". Many times it was during an extreme hardship, sometimes a very painful, uncomfortable, and stretching time. "I wouldn't want to go through that again, but I'm grateful for it now and I'm better and stronger because of it!" How many times I've heard that. And yet, when we are in those intense, painful and dark moments how rarely do we see that part of it--or if we do, are too numb to acknowledge the good.

I say all of this, because while I'm not one to share very personal stuff with the world, I recognize that often times we can feel very alone and and like no one cares or understands. And sometimes when we are going through rough times we need to know that someone has been there. We need to hear their stories and be encouraged by them. We need to see their hearts and the beauty of vulnerability that connects humanity from the dawn of time.

3 weeks ago, I had an injury that shook me to the core, for many reasons. It has challenged me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally in a million ways. Maybe it was because that was the 'icing on an already really big cake" so to speak--meaning there was already a lot I had been going through in other areas of my life, maybe it was because of the nature of the injury that impacted my daily life, maybe it was simply meant to shake me up...I don't know, but throughout these painful days I have kept a notebook of what I was thinking/feeling and the battles that went on to keep fighting, to not give up on the good in life, so I'm going to share some of those entries. 

This is one part of my story. One of my--what I'm quite certain will be,  "defining moments". A story that's not yet done. That is, in many ways, still in the vulnerable painful stages. Why would I, someone who is so private about the painful parts of my life share? Because I believe that we are here for a purpose. I believe if we have something that can help someone, then we have an obligation to do so. I believe that love is a choice. So if in sharing this, these moments, this journey, if it helps even one person, then I have succeeded and it's worth it. I'm here to Live Love. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. I have been so blessed by many of you who have shared your stories, your defining moments, and reminded me that I'm not alone in this; for that I am incredibly grateful!

So hopefully, in sharing these challenging moments we can all help each other grow and be encouraged and come out better, strong, more loving, and more assured that there is a purpose to everything and that God has something beautiful He is going to bring out of every hardship in our lives.

Be encouraged! Be blessed! And Live Love! Let's make it an awesome day!