I Hate This

(Disclaimer--As I share this, I'm not in such a dark place anymore as this was almost 4 wks ago, so if you're someone who is a very empathetic person, please don't let it let it bother you! :-)

From my Journal the day after the accident:

"I think it's worse than what I would like to think. I've been laying on the couch all day with my leg up, pain off and on, but pretty much I can't use my leg. I'm freaking out. So depressed and can't stop crying. I hate this. Oh I hate this so much. I'm trying to pray, but all I can say is Jesus...and even that seems to have so little meaning in these moments..A million questions going through my head. Why didn't I just go home last night instead of training? Why didn't I just sit on the sides and watch when I mentally was not in a good training place? God why did this happen? I just don't understand..."

Why. WHy. WHY?!!!! mmm...Whenever something bad happens we always ask that 'Why' question don't we? And then frequently follows the beating up "I shouldn't have done...Instead I should have..." Should haves and Shouldn't Haves. Whys and Why nots...They'll make us crazy. Let go. We can't change it. It happened. Where do we go from here? But I wasn't there yet. I wasn't able to even ask myself where do we go from here. I was simply trying to make it through the next moment. The hour. The next day...Breathe...

The next day my mom came in town to go with me to the doctors--Xrays, MRI...Hospitals.Waiting rooms...Results I didn't want to hear, but somehow inside I knew. Again from my journal:

"I'm not sure I can voice the absolute devastation that overtook me when the doctor said those horrid, dreaded words: "ACL, MCL, Meniscus all torn!"  and showed me the MRI pics...I was fighting back tears so fiercely, but couldn't stop them and as soon as he left the room, a waterfall was borne...ACL. Torn...and not just that but all 3...I'd heard the stories. I'd had friends who had experienced this situation. But not all 3. And none of them were as active as I. None of them seemed to relish the feeling of freedom in their body as I did when I would work out, or run, or hike or do anything physically. Maybe they did and I neglected to notice. Maybe they were just as devastated as me but just hid it really well. I don't really know. I just know that I felt like my whole world was ending. Like I had been punched in the stomach and couldn't breathe. And even if I could, I didn't want to. Because breathing meant I was alive and that meant pain in this moment. Life was over as I knew it for a while...But I couldn't stop there and grieve this intense loss. Decisions had to be made—decisions for surgery; repair, or reconstruction? And if reconstruction what do I let them take the graft from? My patella, hamstring or a cadaver? None of them seemed to be good options. The quality of my life as I had known it I saw it slowly sinking away deeper and deeper and deeper. And with that vision, my hope dwindled so quickly."

"Mom and I got home and I just sat on the couch, bawling, curled up as best as I could with a bum knee...mom came over, put her arms around me and sobbed with me. Devastation. Loss. Grief. A Death of a sort. I, who tried for so long and so hard to be faithful, to Live Love, to serve, to reach out to others, to live my life with an Irrevocable Fiat to the Lord in all He asked of me...This was the result?  I am SOOO ANGRY! I don't understand. It wasn't one of those situations where you never pay attention to God until something bad happens and then you acknowledge Him only in order to have someone to blame. No, in the good I saw Him, in the bad I always tried to see His hand in bringing good out of it, but in THIS I am just angry. I don't understand... I can't believe an hour before this happened I was on the phone with my sis in law in tears telling her the frustrations/sadness/pain in all the other areas of my life, but was saying “you know I'm just so grateful that at least physically I'm doing so well—that I can work out and train and relieve some of this stress...I'm so grateful...” and hour later—boom! That was taken from me too. The depth of anger and sadness and pain, I don't even have words to express. This would be bad enough, but it was too close to all the other excruciatingly painful experiences of life in too short amount of time on too many levels...too much. Way too much."

Sometimes there's nothing else to do but cry. And so I did. I cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore. And then I cried some more. I cried myself to sleep that night, from the stress, the pain, the frustration, the anger, the sadness. All of it...I cried. 

Listen, I don't know who all is reading this. But I do know this. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to grieve. Don't be afraid to express to the Lord that you're angry! It's ok. It won't always be like this. But if you need to cry, cry. If you've never had a gut wrenching cry where your whole body is convulsing, where you start hyperventilating from the depth of the sobs, let me tell you--Sometimes it's necessary...And if you started sharing your story with me now, of your pain, of your hardship, of your grieving, pretty guaranteed I too would sit down with you, wrap my arms around you and sob with you...sometimes we need people to cry with us. To not tell us it's going to be ok. But to just grieve with us and that's ok. You're not alone. Don't be afraid to cry. Sometimes that's the strongest you'll ever be....

"When we are hurting the tendency is to put up walls, to pretend like everything is ok. But sometimes it isn't ok and there's nothing wrong with admitting that. Welcome to broken humanity. It's real. It's raw. It's Beautiful. And we will come out all the better for it."