Bitter Or....

Surgery Day! Ugh...I think anyone who has had to go somewhere or do something they dread, or have a really hard conversation, or anything that brings up that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, can understand what it's like to feel like you are walking into a bad dream and there is nothing you can do about it. I didn't sleep much at all the night before because I was in so much pain physically, so anxious, sad and the list goes on and on.

That's how I felt the morning of my surgery--It was cold, gray, icy/sleeting/snow outside as we headed to the hospital. My stomach was in knots and each slow mile brought me closer to the place that would both help get me closer to being back 110% but also would really really be absolutely MISERABLE for a while too. Mentally it was so hard because if looked too far ahead it was  devastating--cause it would be months before I would really be back my regular groove of physical movement, but staying in the moment was even worse because the pain on so many levels was so bad and looking back was terrible cause you couldn't change anything...It was a rough time...

We arrived at the hospital which took over an hour to get to cause the roads were so bad (crazy weather! oiy..)and there were accidents EVERYWHERE!  After being in the waiting room and signing my life away with all the paperwork they took me back and did the 'stuff' you do before surgery--(if you've never had to go through it, I don't recommend it! HA!) Answers lots of questions, strip down, Answer a few more questions, put on that classy hospital gown, IV in the arm, shocker--more questions "Are you allergic to...such and such meds?" on and on and on.

Then, you wait. And pray. And wait some more...I was the second person to have surgery that morning, and the first one seemed to take forever--everything got started late apparently because of weather. The roads were so bad that the Doctor and Staff were all late arriving to the hospital which put everything behind.

Finally, it was time. They put the 'go to sleep' meds in the IV, wheel you to the next room while you're laying in the bed starting to get really drowsy and then nothing.  My next memory was being coherent and being in excruciating pain, but still so drowsy that I couldn't open my eyes and I couldn't say anything. I heard a nurse and my mom talking and them saying the pain meds needed to be adjusted cause they could tell I was in a lot of pain. I wanted to tell them how much, I wanted to say something, anything, to open my eyes, but I was still so out of it I couldn't do anything but lay there with this vague consciousness going on.

Finally I was awake enough to realize surgery was over, and I had to somehow get off the bed into the wheelchair to be wheeled out to be taken home. Agonizing. Every movement hurt. The nurse and my mom helped me in the van--I was still not so coherent, but enough to realize that every bump we went over shot pain from my knee to what seemed my entire body.

I could go on and on about it all. There's so much that I don't remember now, except from what I wrote down in my journal at the time. It was rough. You want to talk about having no dignity left? Try not being able to pee without help--I couldn't bend my knee and the meds had me so foggy and my balance off. Humility took on a whole new meaning.

From my journal the next day:

"First day after the surgery; I'm still kind of out of it, but a little more coherent today than I was last night. Pain is definitely worse. Oh gosh...Glad to have the intention board to offer up each part of this for specific people, things, intentions..I can't even go to the bathroom on my own. Oh sweet humility. I literally can't do anything on my own..hmm, what a change of events. Well, I can have a bitter pissed off attitude or I can choose to be grateful for the little gifts...Ok Maria Angelina! Look at your poster with your goals on it---Choosing a good attitude starting RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT...NOW!"

(Side note: Intention board reference. I asked people to give me stuff to pray for for them--so when the pain was really bad, or I was frustrated or whatever, I could look at the poster with people and their intentions written on it and pray for them. It helped put a focus and a meaning to something that in someways at times felt so meaningless. Goals Poster reference. I had/have a poster with all my goals written in bold black marker of where I will get back to per recovery from this.)

Because make no mistake--By God's grace, I will come back stronger, healthier, more whole, more patient, more loving, more understanding-a better individual from all of this. I will dance more than I ever have, I will hike, and bike and run, lift and train like I've never trained before. Because Life's challenges simply give us opportunities to become bitter or better. It's always a choice. It requires a surrender. A dying to self. And it's freaking PAINFUL. And at times I've questioned whether I would be able to choose the better, cause sometimes it's so hard and painful you can't see anything but the dark, the anger, the sadness, the pain...But when that happens, it's amazing what happens when we are loved well in our darkness. Somehow that love has a way of breaking through the bleakness, the hopeless feelings that can surround us. 

So today, whoever you are, wherever you are. Love those people in your life. Love them well. Let them know they are loved. That you are there for them. Looking back now, it was LOVE that broke through for me, that kept me hanging on during a time when I didn't want to and didn't think I could...So love people today! 

Love Broke Through 

"Your love has called me out, out of my sorrow out of my broken places, hope has been renewed cause there in the darkness, there in the darkness Love broke through."

"In the evening of our life, we will be judged by our Love..."