Everyone needs...

Everyone needs beautiful people in their lives and random acts of kindness from strangers.

  Continued from my journal a few days after the diagnosis and scheduling the surgery which would be a wk later.

"So surgery will be next Monday. I've been on the phone with the hospital, with the doctors office, with Insurance it seems like all day. I'm freaking out because on top of everything apparently my Insurance is lousy and doesn't cover much so I will be paying out of pocket somewhere close to $8,000-10,000 after everything is said and done. It's just been one thing after another. I have never felt so abandoned. So alone. So defeated. The pain of everything physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually was so intense that at times it felt like I couldn't handle one more minute of it. It was everything. It was nothing. It was a despair so deep I don't even have words to explain. So dark. I want to run, I want to hike, I want to lift, I want to drive! Oh to have some semblance of normalcy back, but it doesn't look like that will be for a while..."

And then a few days later:

"A day of depress and despair. Wow. I didn't know I could get so low. I went to Mass, then ran some errands, (driving with my left foot, yes I'm actually a great left-footed driver) one of those being Target where I ran into a friend which was such a gift. We were standing in line and this lady heard us talking about needing a good PT and she, ever so kind and funny, “Excuse me ladies? I wasn't trying to eavesdrop but I was totally eavesdropping—there's a gal, her name is Heather who is absolutely AMAZING for PT, do you want her info?” I gave her my card and an hour later she had texted me her info. So kind! And random. Not sure whether I will use the gal or not, but it was a kind gesture. Amazing how something so simple, a random act of kindness from a stranger could mean so much. "

"On the same token, as much as beautiful people in our lives can mean so much, even as simple and little as the gesture may be, someone who we think is close to us, or once was, when they don't acknowledge us or reach out in any way can be as devastating as the other was beautiful. There was an experience with that as well today...and when I got home from running my errands, I laid on my floor in my room and cried. For hours. I just laid there. I knew I needed to work on stuff like taxes and other important things, but the depth of depression and despair was so deep I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be in this nightmare. But here I was. Stuck. Finally after laying there for hours I made myself get up, go to the gym, work out upper body, then go by Church to see Jesus. I was sooo angry, in so much pain physically and emotionally and heart-wise...I got back in my car and cried and screamed and yelled...I was done. So done...

I got home and can I just say, never underestimate the beauty and value of a good friend. A lovely friend came over, brought me dinner, and we laughed and talked and laughed and watched part of a movie and solved the world's problems and somehow even though the laughter was coupled with tears at times as I shared my sadness and anger, it was a gift and I was grateful. Oh so grateful. Never underestimate what you can do as a friend for someone..."

Something I learned from this--When someone is going through something so painful and deep, sometimes they don't need to hear "oh good is going to come from this!" or 'Everything happens for a reason!" or "God has a plan!"  none of that helped. In my head I knew this but it didn't help and only made me angry. The things that were like a healing balm to my soul during those dark days were those who sat and cried with me--sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively via a text or phone call or email, or card....those who were like yes! This is HORRIBLE! and PAINFUL! and DEVASTATING! BUT you're NOT alone! If I can do anything for you I'm here...It won't always be this dark but right now it's the worst...You WILL get through this! You WILL come back 110%!" "If you need to scream or cry, DO IT!".... THOSE things meant so much to me.

Sometimes it's easy to think if we are trying to be 'strong' or good faithful people who love the Lord that we mask the pain we experience at times and pretend like it's not that bad because we think it shows a lack of faith in the Father and His plan for our lives. When the reality is being real and vulnerable at times, admitting that something hurts like hell, THAT is being strong. THAT is being Faithful. Real. Raw. Human. God has a plan and will bring good out of the various situations we find ourselves in, yes. But that doesn't take away from the reality that sometimes life just HURTS. Like crazy! And it's absolutely devastating and MISERABLE. 

And you know what? It's ok to admit that. I don't know who all is reading this. Or what you're going through, but it's ok to yell at the Father and tell Him you're so mad and don't understand. He can handle it. It's ok to be real. It's ok. It's all part of the journey. And guess what? It won't always be this dark. You're not alone. And you WILL come back stronger. God DOES have a plan and will bring beauty and greatness out of whatever you're going through. But you probably don't want to hear that right now. It's enough to know to be reminded that you may be going through hell, but you're not alone...

Someone posted this on my fb wall when I was really struggling and it made me laugh, so I'm gonna share it just for fun.... If You're Going through hell   enjoy!

Be blessed!
Love,
Maria