It's The Little Things...Like Going to the Bathroom by Yourself!

It's funny. Most of us are so used to life. Our alarm goes off way too early, we roll over, hit the snooze button, eventually get up get up, get dressed, run down the stairs, grab a cup of coffee on the way out. We get in the car, drive to work, or school, or gym, or wherever. Throughout the day we do go to the bathroom when we need to, we walk or run from place to place, we pick up something that we dropped. After work maybe we go grab a drink with a friend, or work out, or come home to our families, or roommates, or to a quiet house, we make dinner, we read, or watch a little tv, we eventually take a shower, get ready for bed and it starts all over again the next day.

Obviously, that was super generalized. But the point being many of us kind of coast through life without thinking how perfectly our bodies work to do the daily things we do each day. Like go to the bathroom by ourselves. Like drive ourselves. Like walk up or down the stairs. As I lay there on the couch with my leg up, ice packs on it, the utter helplessness that engulfed me, the total dependency I had on those who were helping me, it hit me. I couldn't do anything by myself for a while. I had to call someone from another room to hand me something that was a foot and half away from me. I had to have help going to the bathroom, I had to have help showering, going up or down stairs the first several days? Forget it! Driving? HA! Not happening for a while.  I couldn't even roll over. Dang.

I'm not sure I have words to explain how shocking this was for me--I who had been so self sufficient, so independent couldn't do ANYTHING for myself or BY myself! I, who was the helper, the care-giver, the one very willing to serve and give of myself in however I could to help someone couldn't even help myself. Oh sweet vulnerability. Humility. Surrender. How do you pray during something like that?

There is a picture of Jesus that some of my friends and I call the 'hot Jesus" (don't be scandalized people or take it the wrong way! it's just one of the few pictures of Jesus that the artist did a beautiful job of making Him look handsome!) this picture hung on the wall that I faced while laying on the couch. So on those many days that followed as I lay there, with really nothing to say--when you're in a lot of pain and foggy from the meds, there's not much to say most days...Or that was the case for me. I'm sure everyone has different experiences.  But most days, it was all I could do to just look at Him and He would look at me. That was my prayer, my plea, an exchange of hearts through a gaze. That was all I could do. And somehow--that was enough...Breathing it all in with acceptance seemed to be important. Not fighting and angry that I was where I was. Surrendering. But not giving up. If you give up in an injury like that, then you lose. Losing was not an option for me. Coming back 100%, better, stronger, THAT had to be what I looked towards. But in the meantime, breathing, Breathing in Jesus, breathing out peace.  Breathing...

My first shower post surgery was literally over a 2 hour endeavor. No joke, the things we take for granted... My second shower  we thought might be a little quicker cause we had figured out a system that seemed to work. We put a chair in the shower and I could sit on the chair with my leg propped up on the walker (yes, I was a rock-star, I didn't just have crutches, I had a WALKER! ha! just call me 'grandma!" )  Long story short,  this 2nd shower didn't work as well, I leaned too far forward when I had just sat down on the chair and the chair slipped out from underneath me making my knee go into a waaaay deeper flexion then it was ready for.  OUCH!!!! I slightly panicked thinking I had re-injured it. 

As I'm crying, the phone rings, it was the Physical Therapy place they were calling to let me know they had run my insurance and it turned out my insurance didn't cover outpatient PT, so I would have to pay out of pocket. 12 wks of PT. 2-3 times a wk. I cried harder. The phone rang again--this time one of the gyms where I teach a fitness class saying I wouldn't be able to come back to work cause of HR stuff with the injury would need to take a leave blah blah blah. More tears.  Phone rings again (Don't answer! was my thought as each call seemed to be worse news!) The hospital--again about insurance 'stuff'. Long story short? I would be paying between $8,000-$10,000 out of pocket. Sometimes all you can do is cry from the pain. From the stress. From exhaustion. From too much emotional and mental stimuli in too short amount of time. And so I did. Trust. Breathe. Somehow it would be ok. Let me tell you talking to yourself can be a great thing! haha


Today, whatever you're going through--breathe. Sometimes that's enough. Simply breathing. Not fighting it, not ranting and raving (although I think THAT is also an important part of the healing process) but breathing...Breathe....

“Sometimes it's the same moments that take your breath away that breathe purpose and love back into your life.” 

Just for a fun. Here's a little Matt Kearney for ya! Breathe

Bitter Or....

Surgery Day! Ugh...I think anyone who has had to go somewhere or do something they dread, or have a really hard conversation, or anything that brings up that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, can understand what it's like to feel like you are walking into a bad dream and there is nothing you can do about it. I didn't sleep much at all the night before because I was in so much pain physically, so anxious, sad and the list goes on and on.

That's how I felt the morning of my surgery--It was cold, gray, icy/sleeting/snow outside as we headed to the hospital. My stomach was in knots and each slow mile brought me closer to the place that would both help get me closer to being back 110% but also would really really be absolutely MISERABLE for a while too. Mentally it was so hard because if looked too far ahead it was  devastating--cause it would be months before I would really be back my regular groove of physical movement, but staying in the moment was even worse because the pain on so many levels was so bad and looking back was terrible cause you couldn't change anything...It was a rough time...

We arrived at the hospital which took over an hour to get to cause the roads were so bad (crazy weather! oiy..)and there were accidents EVERYWHERE!  After being in the waiting room and signing my life away with all the paperwork they took me back and did the 'stuff' you do before surgery--(if you've never had to go through it, I don't recommend it! HA!) Answers lots of questions, strip down, Answer a few more questions, put on that classy hospital gown, IV in the arm, shocker--more questions "Are you allergic to...such and such meds?" on and on and on.

Then, you wait. And pray. And wait some more...I was the second person to have surgery that morning, and the first one seemed to take forever--everything got started late apparently because of weather. The roads were so bad that the Doctor and Staff were all late arriving to the hospital which put everything behind.

Finally, it was time. They put the 'go to sleep' meds in the IV, wheel you to the next room while you're laying in the bed starting to get really drowsy and then nothing.  My next memory was being coherent and being in excruciating pain, but still so drowsy that I couldn't open my eyes and I couldn't say anything. I heard a nurse and my mom talking and them saying the pain meds needed to be adjusted cause they could tell I was in a lot of pain. I wanted to tell them how much, I wanted to say something, anything, to open my eyes, but I was still so out of it I couldn't do anything but lay there with this vague consciousness going on.

Finally I was awake enough to realize surgery was over, and I had to somehow get off the bed into the wheelchair to be wheeled out to be taken home. Agonizing. Every movement hurt. The nurse and my mom helped me in the van--I was still not so coherent, but enough to realize that every bump we went over shot pain from my knee to what seemed my entire body.

I could go on and on about it all. There's so much that I don't remember now, except from what I wrote down in my journal at the time. It was rough. You want to talk about having no dignity left? Try not being able to pee without help--I couldn't bend my knee and the meds had me so foggy and my balance off. Humility took on a whole new meaning.

From my journal the next day:

"First day after the surgery; I'm still kind of out of it, but a little more coherent today than I was last night. Pain is definitely worse. Oh gosh...Glad to have the intention board to offer up each part of this for specific people, things, intentions..I can't even go to the bathroom on my own. Oh sweet humility. I literally can't do anything on my own..hmm, what a change of events. Well, I can have a bitter pissed off attitude or I can choose to be grateful for the little gifts...Ok Maria Angelina! Look at your poster with your goals on it---Choosing a good attitude starting RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT...NOW!"

(Side note: Intention board reference. I asked people to give me stuff to pray for for them--so when the pain was really bad, or I was frustrated or whatever, I could look at the poster with people and their intentions written on it and pray for them. It helped put a focus and a meaning to something that in someways at times felt so meaningless. Goals Poster reference. I had/have a poster with all my goals written in bold black marker of where I will get back to per recovery from this.)

Because make no mistake--By God's grace, I will come back stronger, healthier, more whole, more patient, more loving, more understanding-a better individual from all of this. I will dance more than I ever have, I will hike, and bike and run, lift and train like I've never trained before. Because Life's challenges simply give us opportunities to become bitter or better. It's always a choice. It requires a surrender. A dying to self. And it's freaking PAINFUL. And at times I've questioned whether I would be able to choose the better, cause sometimes it's so hard and painful you can't see anything but the dark, the anger, the sadness, the pain...But when that happens, it's amazing what happens when we are loved well in our darkness. Somehow that love has a way of breaking through the bleakness, the hopeless feelings that can surround us. 

So today, whoever you are, wherever you are. Love those people in your life. Love them well. Let them know they are loved. That you are there for them. Looking back now, it was LOVE that broke through for me, that kept me hanging on during a time when I didn't want to and didn't think I could...So love people today! 

Love Broke Through 

"Your love has called me out, out of my sorrow out of my broken places, hope has been renewed cause there in the darkness, there in the darkness Love broke through."

"In the evening of our life, we will be judged by our Love..."

Everyone needs...

Everyone needs beautiful people in their lives and random acts of kindness from strangers.

  Continued from my journal a few days after the diagnosis and scheduling the surgery which would be a wk later.

"So surgery will be next Monday. I've been on the phone with the hospital, with the doctors office, with Insurance it seems like all day. I'm freaking out because on top of everything apparently my Insurance is lousy and doesn't cover much so I will be paying out of pocket somewhere close to $8,000-10,000 after everything is said and done. It's just been one thing after another. I have never felt so abandoned. So alone. So defeated. The pain of everything physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually was so intense that at times it felt like I couldn't handle one more minute of it. It was everything. It was nothing. It was a despair so deep I don't even have words to explain. So dark. I want to run, I want to hike, I want to lift, I want to drive! Oh to have some semblance of normalcy back, but it doesn't look like that will be for a while..."

And then a few days later:

"A day of depress and despair. Wow. I didn't know I could get so low. I went to Mass, then ran some errands, (driving with my left foot, yes I'm actually a great left-footed driver) one of those being Target where I ran into a friend which was such a gift. We were standing in line and this lady heard us talking about needing a good PT and she, ever so kind and funny, “Excuse me ladies? I wasn't trying to eavesdrop but I was totally eavesdropping—there's a gal, her name is Heather who is absolutely AMAZING for PT, do you want her info?” I gave her my card and an hour later she had texted me her info. So kind! And random. Not sure whether I will use the gal or not, but it was a kind gesture. Amazing how something so simple, a random act of kindness from a stranger could mean so much. "

"On the same token, as much as beautiful people in our lives can mean so much, even as simple and little as the gesture may be, someone who we think is close to us, or once was, when they don't acknowledge us or reach out in any way can be as devastating as the other was beautiful. There was an experience with that as well today...and when I got home from running my errands, I laid on my floor in my room and cried. For hours. I just laid there. I knew I needed to work on stuff like taxes and other important things, but the depth of depression and despair was so deep I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be in this nightmare. But here I was. Stuck. Finally after laying there for hours I made myself get up, go to the gym, work out upper body, then go by Church to see Jesus. I was sooo angry, in so much pain physically and emotionally and heart-wise...I got back in my car and cried and screamed and yelled...I was done. So done...

I got home and can I just say, never underestimate the beauty and value of a good friend. A lovely friend came over, brought me dinner, and we laughed and talked and laughed and watched part of a movie and solved the world's problems and somehow even though the laughter was coupled with tears at times as I shared my sadness and anger, it was a gift and I was grateful. Oh so grateful. Never underestimate what you can do as a friend for someone..."

Something I learned from this--When someone is going through something so painful and deep, sometimes they don't need to hear "oh good is going to come from this!" or 'Everything happens for a reason!" or "God has a plan!"  none of that helped. In my head I knew this but it didn't help and only made me angry. The things that were like a healing balm to my soul during those dark days were those who sat and cried with me--sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively via a text or phone call or email, or card....those who were like yes! This is HORRIBLE! and PAINFUL! and DEVASTATING! BUT you're NOT alone! If I can do anything for you I'm here...It won't always be this dark but right now it's the worst...You WILL get through this! You WILL come back 110%!" "If you need to scream or cry, DO IT!".... THOSE things meant so much to me.

Sometimes it's easy to think if we are trying to be 'strong' or good faithful people who love the Lord that we mask the pain we experience at times and pretend like it's not that bad because we think it shows a lack of faith in the Father and His plan for our lives. When the reality is being real and vulnerable at times, admitting that something hurts like hell, THAT is being strong. THAT is being Faithful. Real. Raw. Human. God has a plan and will bring good out of the various situations we find ourselves in, yes. But that doesn't take away from the reality that sometimes life just HURTS. Like crazy! And it's absolutely devastating and MISERABLE. 

And you know what? It's ok to admit that. I don't know who all is reading this. Or what you're going through, but it's ok to yell at the Father and tell Him you're so mad and don't understand. He can handle it. It's ok to be real. It's ok. It's all part of the journey. And guess what? It won't always be this dark. You're not alone. And you WILL come back stronger. God DOES have a plan and will bring beauty and greatness out of whatever you're going through. But you probably don't want to hear that right now. It's enough to know to be reminded that you may be going through hell, but you're not alone...

Someone posted this on my fb wall when I was really struggling and it made me laugh, so I'm gonna share it just for fun.... If You're Going through hell   enjoy!

Be blessed!
Love,
Maria

I Hate This

(Disclaimer--As I share this, I'm not in such a dark place anymore as this was almost 4 wks ago, so if you're someone who is a very empathetic person, please don't let it let it bother you! :-)

From my Journal the day after the accident:

"I think it's worse than what I would like to think. I've been laying on the couch all day with my leg up, pain off and on, but pretty much I can't use my leg. I'm freaking out. So depressed and can't stop crying. I hate this. Oh I hate this so much. I'm trying to pray, but all I can say is Jesus...and even that seems to have so little meaning in these moments..A million questions going through my head. Why didn't I just go home last night instead of training? Why didn't I just sit on the sides and watch when I mentally was not in a good training place? God why did this happen? I just don't understand..."

Why. WHy. WHY?!!!! mmm...Whenever something bad happens we always ask that 'Why' question don't we? And then frequently follows the beating up "I shouldn't have done...Instead I should have..." Should haves and Shouldn't Haves. Whys and Why nots...They'll make us crazy. Let go. We can't change it. It happened. Where do we go from here? But I wasn't there yet. I wasn't able to even ask myself where do we go from here. I was simply trying to make it through the next moment. The hour. The next day...Breathe...

The next day my mom came in town to go with me to the doctors--Xrays, MRI...Hospitals.Waiting rooms...Results I didn't want to hear, but somehow inside I knew. Again from my journal:

"I'm not sure I can voice the absolute devastation that overtook me when the doctor said those horrid, dreaded words: "ACL, MCL, Meniscus all torn!"  and showed me the MRI pics...I was fighting back tears so fiercely, but couldn't stop them and as soon as he left the room, a waterfall was borne...ACL. Torn...and not just that but all 3...I'd heard the stories. I'd had friends who had experienced this situation. But not all 3. And none of them were as active as I. None of them seemed to relish the feeling of freedom in their body as I did when I would work out, or run, or hike or do anything physically. Maybe they did and I neglected to notice. Maybe they were just as devastated as me but just hid it really well. I don't really know. I just know that I felt like my whole world was ending. Like I had been punched in the stomach and couldn't breathe. And even if I could, I didn't want to. Because breathing meant I was alive and that meant pain in this moment. Life was over as I knew it for a while...But I couldn't stop there and grieve this intense loss. Decisions had to be made—decisions for surgery; repair, or reconstruction? And if reconstruction what do I let them take the graft from? My patella, hamstring or a cadaver? None of them seemed to be good options. The quality of my life as I had known it I saw it slowly sinking away deeper and deeper and deeper. And with that vision, my hope dwindled so quickly."

"Mom and I got home and I just sat on the couch, bawling, curled up as best as I could with a bum knee...mom came over, put her arms around me and sobbed with me. Devastation. Loss. Grief. A Death of a sort. I, who tried for so long and so hard to be faithful, to Live Love, to serve, to reach out to others, to live my life with an Irrevocable Fiat to the Lord in all He asked of me...This was the result?  I am SOOO ANGRY! I don't understand. It wasn't one of those situations where you never pay attention to God until something bad happens and then you acknowledge Him only in order to have someone to blame. No, in the good I saw Him, in the bad I always tried to see His hand in bringing good out of it, but in THIS I am just angry. I don't understand... I can't believe an hour before this happened I was on the phone with my sis in law in tears telling her the frustrations/sadness/pain in all the other areas of my life, but was saying “you know I'm just so grateful that at least physically I'm doing so well—that I can work out and train and relieve some of this stress...I'm so grateful...” and hour later—boom! That was taken from me too. The depth of anger and sadness and pain, I don't even have words to express. This would be bad enough, but it was too close to all the other excruciatingly painful experiences of life in too short amount of time on too many levels...too much. Way too much."

Sometimes there's nothing else to do but cry. And so I did. I cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore. And then I cried some more. I cried myself to sleep that night, from the stress, the pain, the frustration, the anger, the sadness. All of it...I cried. 

Listen, I don't know who all is reading this. But I do know this. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to grieve. Don't be afraid to express to the Lord that you're angry! It's ok. It won't always be like this. But if you need to cry, cry. If you've never had a gut wrenching cry where your whole body is convulsing, where you start hyperventilating from the depth of the sobs, let me tell you--Sometimes it's necessary...And if you started sharing your story with me now, of your pain, of your hardship, of your grieving, pretty guaranteed I too would sit down with you, wrap my arms around you and sob with you...sometimes we need people to cry with us. To not tell us it's going to be ok. But to just grieve with us and that's ok. You're not alone. Don't be afraid to cry. Sometimes that's the strongest you'll ever be....

"When we are hurting the tendency is to put up walls, to pretend like everything is ok. But sometimes it isn't ok and there's nothing wrong with admitting that. Welcome to broken humanity. It's real. It's raw. It's Beautiful. And we will come out all the better for it."

Let's Get Physical

I shared the story about my grandma because I think it will be helpful to see the kind of frame of mind I was in when the injury happened. Prior to my grandmas death there had been a lot of hard/painful events going on in my personal life that just hit my heart in a deep painful way.  My grandmas death that wk just added salt to the wound.


We buried my grandma on Friday. Company was in town all wknd and left on Sunday. Monday dawned bright and early it was overcast and cold out. I was exhausted, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I wanted to stay in bed and not face the day. I was tired of the cold dark that seemed to permeate the last several months. I was emotionally exhausted from everything that had been going on and from the wk before.  But one thing I have always believed and shared is that our thoughts impact our actions, so I pushed out those negative thoughts, said good morning Lord thank you for today! Got up went to Mass and my day began.


Anyone who knows me knows that health and fitness is a huge and passionate part of my life; for many reasons (though if I keep doing this blog thing I'm sure you'll understand that way more than you ever wanted to! HA!). But one of the things I love about fitness--or just physical activity in general is the stress release it provides. If I was frustrated--I would take a run, a hike, or I would go lift, or train...Then after getting that "angst' out in a physical way, I could sit and think and talk with the Lord about it all, doing something physical like that had a way of allowing me to 'breathe', chilling me out, getting the frustration or sadness or whatever to a level of being able to work through it. Sometimes it allowed me to think while doing whatever the activity was, but not be so consumed by those thoughts that it was a negative thing. Let me tell you, endorphins are a wonderful thing! :-)


Being that it had been such a stressful week and weekend, I was looking forward to the stress release that my Krav Maga and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes would offer that evening. By the time I got to class 30 min early I realized how tired I was. I was sitting in my car talking w my sis in law sharing some of my stresses and in tears saying well at least physically I'm doing well and I'm so grateful for that because I'm healthy and able to move and take a hike or lift, or train, etc. I got off the phone with her, dried my tears and it suddenly hit me how exhausted I was. I debated whether to just go home, but I was already here, had been looking forward to it, so out I got.


Training started and it felt so good! I love how our bodies can move and be challenged and grow stronger. Today we started working on throws. I had several decent ones and then I took a step where you're not supposed to step and bam! The guy I was throwing landed on my ankle, I fell and in the process my knee hyper-extended. Immediate pain. I could tell it was bad but how bad wasn't sure. The on-lookers thought I had perhaps broken my leg it was bent at such an unnatural angle.


I scooted to the side and for the rest of class sat back with my leg up and an ice pack on my knee and put some herbal supplements that help with healing/swelling, etc.  After class, I thought with a little assistance I could make it home by myself, however upon standing I immediately collapsed and realized that wasn't going to happen. One of my coaches carried me to my car, I sat there trying to get my breath as the pain increased and as the pain increased I realized this was worse than I thought. I began to cry, crying from the pain of the knee, crying from frustration, crying from all that had been going on so painful in my life for the last several months. My body started to go into shock and everything went numb, I knew I was about to pass out. My coach carried me back into the gym because obviously I was in no place to drive home. Long story short, I had to be taken home, carried in the house and I laid there on the couch, leg up, ice pack on. That day marked the start of a journey that I had no desire to be on, but I couldn't change.

Defining moments. They happen and frequently not by choice.  It's where you go from there that changes you. While you're broken you usually become bitter or better...And in that moment I couldn't ignore the depth of my brokenness.

Timing is Everything

My grandma had just died of cancer. The month leading up to her death was particularly painful as I would drive back and forth the hr and 20 minutes to spend some time with her and help in any way I could. It's a strange grieving process that takes place when you know someone you love is going to die--you don't know the when exactly but you know it's getting close. Watching those around you who also love that person and seeing how they grieve (or don't allow themselves to grieve even though it was obvious at times that they needed to) and seeing their pain in many ways only intensified the sadness.



The human body is an amazing creation. I can't look at it and not be in awe at God's creativity and genius. But as the human body shuts down due to something like cancer, you also recognize how fragile and precious life is, how perfectly our bodies work to keep us alive, yet how when one thing shuts down it impacts everything else. It was such a humbling experience helping with simple things with my grandma, like helping her use the bathroom as she couldn't even do that on her own the last few wks and then in the last days helping change her, clean her, etc. Upholding her dignity as a lovely elderly person (she was 91) was so important. This beautiful grandmother who had probably changed my diaper while I was a baby, suddenly the roles were now reversed...So much to process.



I'm a musician, so playing, singing, writing is one of the big ways that helps me process life (along with physical activity). So my grandma's death of course brought out music...I've played for many many funerals over the years, but never for someone close to me, but I wanted to sing and play for my Grandma's funeral, for me it was like one last gift that I could offer. I wasn't sure whether I would make it throw without breaking down, but I was willing to try...



Below is the song I wrote for her...Actually I wrote it for myself and for someone else I was once close to who lost his grandma. Words can't express the depth of sorrow when you lose someone you love; whether it be from death, or simply life when people walk out of your life for whatever reason. 

Someone told me that when you're going through hard times rather than run from it, you just gotta ride the wave--not try to push it away or run from it...Ride it out...

So if you're going through a hard time know that it's not the end of the story...Rather than running from it, know you're not alone. God is going to bring something awesome and beautiful out of the pain...Ride the Wave...


Ride The Wave


 Ride it like a wave

It was dark and gray when the telephone rang
I didnt want to believe what i heard him sayin
My heart stopped in my chest
And i didnt hear the rest
after the words "she is gone"

There's no good way to hear that news
Someone Please tell me it's not  true
I collapsed on that cold kitchen floor
shaking with sobs uncontrolled

And in my mind I could still hear her voice echoing

Don't run from the pain
Don't push it away
Rather ride it like a wave

I know it won't always hurt this bad
one day I will remember what it's like to laugh
But right now im open and  raw
I don't want to feel at all anymore

Mama could patch a scraped up knee
But a band aid won't work for a heart that bleeds
No nice words can make this pain subside
Down on your knees in the middle of your darkest night

Out of every death comes a life
Out of every darkness shines a light
In the night
Your soul will sing again
This is not the end of the story

Then sings my soul...

By Maria Spears
Copyright Maria Spears Music 2014

Vulnerability

I travel a lot. One of my favorite things about traveling is the different people I meet from all over. I meet them on planes, trains, buses, subways, walking, hiking, running, you name it. I love meeting and hearing the stories  of humanity, how each person got to where they are now. It's amazing to me how frequently in getting to know people, both young and old alike, how many have shared with me about various situations that happened in their life that they look back on and say "that was a defining time in my life". Many times it was during an extreme hardship, sometimes a very painful, uncomfortable, and stretching time. "I wouldn't want to go through that again, but I'm grateful for it now and I'm better and stronger because of it!" How many times I've heard that. And yet, when we are in those intense, painful and dark moments how rarely do we see that part of it--or if we do, are too numb to acknowledge the good.

I say all of this, because while I'm not one to share very personal stuff with the world, I recognize that often times we can feel very alone and and like no one cares or understands. And sometimes when we are going through rough times we need to know that someone has been there. We need to hear their stories and be encouraged by them. We need to see their hearts and the beauty of vulnerability that connects humanity from the dawn of time.

3 weeks ago, I had an injury that shook me to the core, for many reasons. It has challenged me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally in a million ways. Maybe it was because that was the 'icing on an already really big cake" so to speak--meaning there was already a lot I had been going through in other areas of my life, maybe it was because of the nature of the injury that impacted my daily life, maybe it was simply meant to shake me up...I don't know, but throughout these painful days I have kept a notebook of what I was thinking/feeling and the battles that went on to keep fighting, to not give up on the good in life, so I'm going to share some of those entries. 

This is one part of my story. One of my--what I'm quite certain will be,  "defining moments". A story that's not yet done. That is, in many ways, still in the vulnerable painful stages. Why would I, someone who is so private about the painful parts of my life share? Because I believe that we are here for a purpose. I believe if we have something that can help someone, then we have an obligation to do so. I believe that love is a choice. So if in sharing this, these moments, this journey, if it helps even one person, then I have succeeded and it's worth it. I'm here to Live Love. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. I have been so blessed by many of you who have shared your stories, your defining moments, and reminded me that I'm not alone in this; for that I am incredibly grateful!

So hopefully, in sharing these challenging moments we can all help each other grow and be encouraged and come out better, strong, more loving, and more assured that there is a purpose to everything and that God has something beautiful He is going to bring out of every hardship in our lives.

Be encouraged! Be blessed! And Live Love! Let's make it an awesome day!