1 Year Later...Let's Get Personal.

One year ago I entered into one of the most painful seasons of my life.

On Feb.24,2014 I had an injury where I torn my ACL, MCL and meniscus. The devastation of that,  on top of several already painful situations (my grandma dying, a guy I had been close with walking away without an explanation and a few others) was beyond words.

When you're a very active person, a go getter, and somewhat independent-used to being the helper, doing stuff for yourself and others, the giver...its a bit of a switch to suddenly be on the other side. Completely dependent on others-to the point where you have to have help with such basic things as going to the bathroom or taking a shower, or driving.

The physical pain from such an intense surgery, coupled with the mental and emotional pain,sadness,  frustration and anger was truly almost more than I could bear.

Everything happens for a reason and the fact that my surgery was 2 days before entering into Lent-a season of sacrifice and fasting, I'm quite certain was no mistake.

There were many days when all I could do was lay there on the couch with my leg propped up, tears streaming down my face, just wanting to die. My only praying being that. I had gone through dark times before, but the depth of darkness on every level during this time was indescribable and something I had never experienced.

In Scripture, it talks about Jesus crying out "my God my God why have you abandoned me", that cry pierced my heart in a new way, because that's how I too felt. My prayer during that time wasn't anything fancy.

My prayer was to simply breathe. In. Out. In. Out.  Just one more breath. 

 

Sometimes, simply choosing to be present, to stop fighting it, to embrace it by being, is the best thing we can do. The best, most real prayer we can pray. And the hardest. Sometimes, the most important lessons are the ones we learn when we didn't know we needed to, or wanted to. Sometimes, the most beautiful things happen out of the darkest, coldest moments. Sometimes in our deepest pain, if we hold on to Jesus and let go of our expectations, our preconceived notions, our safety nets, we end up finding more joy, more freedom, more love than we could have guessed. But that means being willing to be open, real, raw, human. It means letting ourselves be seen and loved in that incredibly vulnerable place and it's scary. But it's worth it. 

 

I can't say I ever want to go through something like that again. But I can say that I'm grateful for where I was cause it got me to where I am today. It taught me to both fight and to surrender...It taught me that:

 

I'm stronger than I was, but also more aware and willing to admit my incredible weaknesses and need for God and others. 

I laugh more than I did, but I also cry more. Because I feel more. I feel more, because I was quiet and still enough to let Jesus go to work on me without me getting in the way.

I'm more confident, and yet more aware than ever before how fragile I really am. Confident, because I know in my weakest and most vulnerable, that HE is carrying me.

I'm more grateful for the people in my life and the way each person has been a gift to me. Even those who have been difficult at times, because I too have been difficult, and yet, people have chosen to love me anyway.

I'm striving more for excellence and less for perfection. Because the reality is, in my eyes I will always come up short, but in a seeking of excellence that's ok, because there will always be more growth and more healing and more becoming the best version of myself until the day I die. 

I'm more patient with myself and others. With my faults and failings and others faults and failings. Because we are human. We make mistakes. We fall down, we get back up. And that's ok. That's what grace is for.

I'm more merciful; with myself and others. Because we are all broken, yet beautiful.

I'm more driven and have more of a passion to help others, because I know what it's like to be in a dark dark place, to feel stuck, to need a hand to hold, to need others to see the potential in me when I struggled to see it in myself. 

I'm more vulnerable. Because it really is in our vulnerability and openness that great things can happen. That great healing can take place. That Great love can grow. 

I'm more ok with trusting life--and by trusting Life, I mean trusting that truly, God is bigger than it all and that whatever happens, no matter how bad, how hard, how dark. That He truly is working behind the scenes to bring something awesome, amazing and more beautiful out of it all, if we let Him. 

I don't know what future holds. But I know WHO holds the future. And that's enough...

Have a beautiful day~

Dear Diary...

Sometimes we all need a good laugh about working out, someone sent me this and I was laughing so hard. Thought I would share! enjoy!

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old Personal Trainer and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
____________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god– with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!  Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It’s a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Christo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little personal trainer. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun– like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Let's Make Love....and MMFI

While in college I was working at a gym and once every few wks we would have a group meeting of all the staff. I'll never forget the one thing our fitness manager would  always say at the start of the first meeting of the new semester.

 "You guys, what is the one thing that every single person who walks through these doors has written across their forehead? Actually let's make it broader than that. What is the one thing that every man, woman and child that you meet has written across their forehead?"   There would be silence and he would say, "MMFI".  

"Make Me Feel Important."   He would go on.  "Your job, when people come in here to work out is yes, to give them good work outs, answer questions, but the very first thing is to Make them Feel Important, Seen and Loved!"    That always stood out to me and I really took it to heart. Years later, I realize even more what he meant by that.

We were made from Love, for Love and to Love. Tied in with that desire to love and be loved, is the desire to be 'seen', to be acknowledged and loved for who we are, in our povertys, our frailties and brokenness; to feel important.  That need begins at birth and doesn't go away until we breathe our last breath.

A lot of people are walking around, feeling lonely, unseen, unloved. Mother Teresa always said that loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Dang. If anyone knew and saw what poverty was on a regular basis, that would be Mama T! If she, in the trenches of serving the poorest of the poor in Calcutta said that that was the worst poverty she saw, then what does that mean for us?

That poverty happens even in our own homes, in our own families, people we are with day in and day out, but aren't taking the time to see.

It's interesting how, if there is a little baby somewhere, people of all ages, even gruff, bitter people, will usually smile back if a little one smiles at them.  Little kids know the value of a smile, of reaching out.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. We don't need a holiday to tell us to go out and love people. But maybe it can be the start of choosing to add value, to make people feel loved, seen, to let them know they have value and significance. Smile at people. Ask the grocer at the check out how his day is going. Hold open the door for someone. Pay for someone's coffee. Tell someone they did a good job. Call someone and tell them you appreciate them.

There are a million ways to be 'making love' through out the day that are highly appropriate and can be game changers for peoples. Let's get out of ourselves and start seeing those around us, seeing their goodness, their beauty, their needs. Let's choose love today. Let every person who comes in contact with us walk away from the encounter, even if it's only 10 seconds, feeling that they are important, they have significance and they are loved.

Happy Valentines Day!

Be blessed~
Maria


p.s. Get your workout in today! Part of loving others is also loving yourself! So take care of that Temple of yours!

Paul Coakley--A husband, a father and a friend who died, but who's story will live on.....

Paul Coakley. A man. A husband. A father. A son. A brother. A friend. An example of a life lived well. A life lived for love, for the Lord, for Heaven, for others.

For those of you who don't know, Paul was a young guy, married with 3 little ones and a 4th on the way. He had a very brief, but aggressive battle with cancer that took his life. But his story, his Faith and the example of how he lived life and how he died, will live on.

Paul died. But what he left us didn't die and won't ever. Paul lived and he died how he lived--outrageously, courageously and with joy and love. So many people are taking their lives--Paul, even though he knew heaven awaited him, fought hard to live. So many people are storing up goods here--Paul knew all about storing up goods in heaven. I have to wonder--many times when someone younger dies there's a lot of sadness surrounding it-and yes people are sad that Paul is gone, no doubt about that. But there is a joy too-because Paul seemed to live his life as though everyday was a gift, as though he knew that Love and joy were choices that you make daily. He lived love in an adventurous way.  Paul and his lovely wife Ann's story has had such an impact on people, has touched so many, even those who don't know them, because of the way they lived out their vocation--their goal to get each other to heaven, to fight the good fight together. They knew what truly mattered.They lived love as a couple.

I think there is an element of joy because we know we will see Paul again, we know that he is praying for us and rooting for us. We know that he, in his imitation of Christ, showed us how to live. Treasuring each and everyday as though it were the last. No regrets. All for Jesus. All for love. Paul taught us how to live and how to die. Eyes on the goal. Choosing to fight til the end. Choosing love til the end. I hope and pray that when my time comes that I'm living love, that I'm living with joy, that I'm living for Him and for the things that truly matter. I pray that the grace Paul received to live his life in such an outrageous way, will be present in my life.
#paulprayforus  #livelikepaul #prayforann

Relationship and Marriage Advice from Miss Debra

I was teaching a senior water fitness class this morning and like I always do when I encounter someone older who may have had more experience with life and love and the pursuit of happiness, I picked their brain on various topics.  This morning I had the privilege of chatting with Miss Debra, a lovely woman in her 70's who has been married for almost 40 years. The following are her thoughts on relationships and marriages.

 "Relationships and marriage take compromise. Both parties have to be willing to give. Too many people now days have the attitude that it's "all about me". You can't make a relationship work if that's the attitude and mentality.  

 

 

Advice for the guys from her husband: 

"My husband always says and tells younger guys "the things you do to GET your woman NOW once you're married you gotta CONTINUE TO DO to keep her!"   She continued. "And it's true he still pursues me after almost 40 years of marriage how he did when we were dating!" (insert huge lovely smile!"

Advice for the girls:

"Talk is cheap! He may tell you he loves you, he may tell you you're beautiful. But a better way to tell that is watch how he treats you. Watch how he treats his mom, his sisters, women he encounters. When you walk in the room if he thinks you're beautiful his eyes will show it. It's the way his eyes light up--you gotta watch for those things! If he loves you, don't just listen to the words. Words can lie. Watch how he goes out of his way for you, how he serves you, treats you. Those are the tell-tale signs.  But also, girls need to learn to respect their husband. Respect goes a long way for a man.."

 

 

 

"One of the biggest problems now days is young people's lack of commitment, how everything has to be all about "Me" and how they let little issues become big issues. You gotta learn to let stuff go. Stop sweating the small stuff. The small stuff doesn't matter."

"It might be different for everyone, but for us the first 2 years of our marriage were the hardest. That's why you gotta be committed and in for the long haul. After that it just get BETTER!!!"

"There's gotta be a lot more to the person besides physical attraction because looks fade no matter how good we take care of our bodies--we age. So you gotta be attracted to their mind and their heart and who they are as well.  My husband and I are both computer programers and were the 'smart kids' in class...he always thought my brains were sexy!" (add a little chuckle with a twinkle in her eye)

"You gotta push each other to be better."

"It's not a fairy tale, it's real life and people are human you gotta give them space to be human. But it's beautiful and worth it!"

"I trust my husband 99.9%...that last little percentage is giving him room to be human."

"You gotta have fun together!!' Stuff you both enjoy doing. You gotta laugh! You gotta like each other and enjoy each other's company."   

"You don't have to agree on everything but your morals, values, financial stuff and the way you raise kids has to be the same."

"All this shacking up before marriage is one of the reasons why there are so many divorces! Young people are wanting to "try it out" before "committing". But commitment has nothing to do with trying it out. That's what the dating process is for to get to know the person--their values and morals who they are. Then in marriage you make that commitment. Commitment has nothing to do with how you feel it's a firm decision that this is what we decided and come thick or thin, hell or high water, we are sticking together no matter what. You don't "try out" a commitment. If you give yourself an out when it gets hard you'll take it. You both decide you're in it together forever no matter what."

"Young people these days are making it really difficult for themselves because they are going around with the mentality that it's all about themselves, what pleases "me", what makes "me" happy, all this sleeping together before marriage,  getting upset over little things that don't really matter, that mentality makes for unhappiness. 

If you have two people asking how they can make the person they are with happy and how they can love and serve each other, and make each other's day better, well that's a recipe for something beautiful."

"In the beginning of marriage you get upset about the small stuff a lot. But after a while you realize that stuff doesn't really matter."

"The best advice I could give someone is 1. You gotta have God at the center of your relationship.  

2. You gotta commit and be willing to compromise. 3. You gotta have fun together and laugh a lot! you have to laugh....

(Talking about her husband.)

"You know, he's so good to me! He is such a wonderful man. I always say God put him here just for me!"  (BIG SMILE, eyes lit up...)

Happiness is All About....

I was talking with someone the other day and we were talking about "happiness." About being happy. And how a lot of us going through life saying and thinking ok! When THIS happens, THEN I'll be happy! When I graduate I will be happy! When I move! Ill be happy then! When I'm dating someone, or married THEN I'll me happy! When I have kids I'll be happy! When I get that car I've always wanted I will be happy! When I get that dream job, or house I'll be happy THEN!  On and on and on...we look out THERE somewhere at things we don't have, but desire and say "when", "then"...I will be happy... But what does it actually mean to be or have this allusive thing we call "happiness" that we are always looking away ahead to take hold of as our own?

I was curious and decided to visit my good friend Webster. His definition of "happy" is:

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: (situation or person)  I.e. to be happy to see a person.

2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy:
a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

Happiness:

1. The quality or state of being happy

2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

The words that stood out to me:  "delighted or pleased as over a particular thing.."  "Contentment"...mmm a "happy frame of mind"...

If those are true and THAT is the definition of being happy or happiness, then perhaps happiness isn't so much out THERE as it is in HERE, in US...in our choices of what to focus on, what we let ourselves dwell on...

Guaranteed if any of us tried and actually looked for it, even if we didn't love our job, or our house or our relationship, or our place in life, I'm quite positive if we looked we could still find SOMETHING to delight about. We could still adjust our frame of mind to see joy in various aspects of our lives..

If we woke up this morning and the only things, people, situations left in our lives were the things we had thanked God for, or had acknowledge and been grateful for, had noticed, what would be here? Would we still have sunny days? Hear a good song on the radio? Be able to use our bodies to move, talk, laugh, run, jump, play? Would we still have hot showers? Mountains, oceans? A roof over our heads? Would we still have family or friends, or a delicious meal? Would we still have spouse, our kids, our brothers sisters moms or dads?  Would we still have good books, beds to sleep in, cars to drive in, would we still have mental clarity, be able to connect with people, to dream? Would we still be able to play sports, or video games, to watch sports, or movies? Would we be able to go to church, the grocery, the gym? Would we still have electricity, gas, heat or air conditioning? Would we still have our fingers, our toes, our senses of seeing, smell, touch, hearing taste? Would we be able to hug and kiss our loved ones? To hike, to take a road trip? To sit in silence? To witness the laughter and joy of kids? To witness the deep love of that elderly coupe who has been married for 60 years? To sleep? Would we still be able to write, cook, shop, camp? Would we be able to have adventures? Would we have clothes? Or shoes? A good glass of wine or a great beer from Europe? Would we still be able to travel or sit out in the field underneath the stars? Ride fore wheelers? Would we still be able to go see a movie, have a great conversation, plant a garden, or chop fire wood?  This list is inexhaustible, it could go on for days...my thought simply being, at least one of those things, or if not one of those, surely SOMETHING we do or experience each day, or the way we adjust our mindset, gives us joy or contentment, or rather that choose to see those things...

So what if, instead of waiting for this, that and the other thing OUT THERE to be happy, we looked at the beauty around us, saw those little daily joys and gifts and delighted in them.  There's a heck of a lot of life to live and it's been my experience thus far that rarely does life go exactly how you would expect or plan it to and yet, it's still a magnificent gift and there are still a million joys and delights to be had if we choose to see and experience them.. 

"It is not in the pursuit of happiness that we find fulfillment, it is in the happiness of pursuit."

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

I Was Late Because

I had a piano student today, she was almost 20 minutes late (which is super late considering the fact that lessons are only 30 minutes long). Breathless she came running in, apologizing profusely with a million excuses as to why she was late: the traffic was terrible, there was this one slow car, on and on and on...We got through the 10 minutes of lesson. Shortly after her I had another student come.

"Miss Maria, I'm sorry, but I didn't practice this wk."  That was all he said. He didn't make excuses for himself, he didn't try to justify it (I happened to know that homework was insane for him and that he had just started back with swim practice and that it was a particularly busy wk) He simply admitted what he had not done. Sat down and was ready to crack down to it.

Out of both of those incidences I saw myself--I too have been the person justifying my behaviors--both good and bad. But I too at other times have been one to simply admit something without the justification of the why...

I realized I was more impressed by the humility of my student who simply admitted this is what happened. (I late did ask why he didn't practice cause usually he was meticulous about getting his practicing done every wk and he explained as I was pretty sure was the case--homework, crazy wk, swimming)

And as I thought about that, I started thinking about how many times in relationships do we make justifications for our bad or inappropriate behavior? How many times do we blame our failure to do well in something, whether it's business, or hobbies, or work, on anyone and everything else besides ourselves? What would happen if today we took responsibility for our behavior? For our lack of? For words, our actions...? What would happen if today, instead of pointing fingers at everyone else, we looked in the mirror and said ok, I'm CHOOSING to make different choices today which will have an impact on everyone and everything? I'm taking responsibility for my attitude, for my mood, for the decisions and consequences of my choices....

Life changing....

Today, I challenge myself. And anyone else who wants to take that challenge--to take responsibility without justification and see what happens...

Make it a great day! :-)