1 Year Later...Let's Get Personal.

One year ago I entered into one of the most painful seasons of my life.

On Feb.24,2014 I had an injury where I torn my ACL, MCL and meniscus. The devastation of that,  on top of several already painful situations (my grandma dying, a guy I had been close with walking away without an explanation and a few others) was beyond words.

When you're a very active person, a go getter, and somewhat independent-used to being the helper, doing stuff for yourself and others, the giver...its a bit of a switch to suddenly be on the other side. Completely dependent on others-to the point where you have to have help with such basic things as going to the bathroom or taking a shower, or driving.

The physical pain from such an intense surgery, coupled with the mental and emotional pain,sadness,  frustration and anger was truly almost more than I could bear.

Everything happens for a reason and the fact that my surgery was 2 days before entering into Lent-a season of sacrifice and fasting, I'm quite certain was no mistake.

There were many days when all I could do was lay there on the couch with my leg propped up, tears streaming down my face, just wanting to die. My only praying being that. I had gone through dark times before, but the depth of darkness on every level during this time was indescribable and something I had never experienced.

In Scripture, it talks about Jesus crying out "my God my God why have you abandoned me", that cry pierced my heart in a new way, because that's how I too felt. My prayer during that time wasn't anything fancy.

My prayer was to simply breathe. In. Out. In. Out.  Just one more breath. 

 

Sometimes, simply choosing to be present, to stop fighting it, to embrace it by being, is the best thing we can do. The best, most real prayer we can pray. And the hardest. Sometimes, the most important lessons are the ones we learn when we didn't know we needed to, or wanted to. Sometimes, the most beautiful things happen out of the darkest, coldest moments. Sometimes in our deepest pain, if we hold on to Jesus and let go of our expectations, our preconceived notions, our safety nets, we end up finding more joy, more freedom, more love than we could have guessed. But that means being willing to be open, real, raw, human. It means letting ourselves be seen and loved in that incredibly vulnerable place and it's scary. But it's worth it. 

 

I can't say I ever want to go through something like that again. But I can say that I'm grateful for where I was cause it got me to where I am today. It taught me to both fight and to surrender...It taught me that:

 

I'm stronger than I was, but also more aware and willing to admit my incredible weaknesses and need for God and others. 

I laugh more than I did, but I also cry more. Because I feel more. I feel more, because I was quiet and still enough to let Jesus go to work on me without me getting in the way.

I'm more confident, and yet more aware than ever before how fragile I really am. Confident, because I know in my weakest and most vulnerable, that HE is carrying me.

I'm more grateful for the people in my life and the way each person has been a gift to me. Even those who have been difficult at times, because I too have been difficult, and yet, people have chosen to love me anyway.

I'm striving more for excellence and less for perfection. Because the reality is, in my eyes I will always come up short, but in a seeking of excellence that's ok, because there will always be more growth and more healing and more becoming the best version of myself until the day I die. 

I'm more patient with myself and others. With my faults and failings and others faults and failings. Because we are human. We make mistakes. We fall down, we get back up. And that's ok. That's what grace is for.

I'm more merciful; with myself and others. Because we are all broken, yet beautiful.

I'm more driven and have more of a passion to help others, because I know what it's like to be in a dark dark place, to feel stuck, to need a hand to hold, to need others to see the potential in me when I struggled to see it in myself. 

I'm more vulnerable. Because it really is in our vulnerability and openness that great things can happen. That great healing can take place. That Great love can grow. 

I'm more ok with trusting life--and by trusting Life, I mean trusting that truly, God is bigger than it all and that whatever happens, no matter how bad, how hard, how dark. That He truly is working behind the scenes to bring something awesome, amazing and more beautiful out of it all, if we let Him. 

I don't know what future holds. But I know WHO holds the future. And that's enough...

Have a beautiful day~