Let's Talk About....SUICIDE

Quite a few years back, I met a lovely gal in her late 40's who She would sometimes complain that her body wasn't what she wanted it to be and would grow frustrated (what girl HASN'T had that complaint! lol) For her it wasn't that she was overweight, it was that she was so skinny and was frustrated with "bone skin and flab". Every once in a while we talked about doing some personal training but she never followed up on it. One day I ran into her and as we were talking I felt really prompted to encourage her to let me help her with some personal training--try it and see how she felt.

This time, she followed up on it. In the field of fitness (and bar tending for that matter! ha!) we always joke that we should get degrees in Counseling, as well as the body, because in many ways a trainer ends up being that sounding board, a caring, listening person to their clients. Which is pretty awesome because the reality is, being 'fit and healthy' isn't just about the physical body--it's the mind, spirit, etc. and impacts the emotions, on a big level as well. So it makes sense.  As we trained she made gains little by little.  And then her 50th birthday came.

She came to training a wk after her birthday and broke down into tears midway through the workout. We took a time out--talked and prayed together. (That isn't something that always happens in training lol but you never know!)   We talked about it doesn't matter how old we are--we all have a mission, we all have value, God still has work for us to do; big work. We talked about our bodies and how even when we are older, if we can mentally adjust and do the right stuff nutritionally, we would be amazed at what our bodies can do. I showed her pictures of some wonderful people I know who are in their 50's and up who are doing body building competitions and killing it, who are doing missions in other countries, who are serving in the everyday simple things--but ALL making a HUGE difference to someone and there's no price tag high enough for the value of touching even one person.

Next training session, she came back and I could see as soon as she walked in, a different gal than the one who I had trained the wk before. She killed her workouts, the mental adjustment blew my mind. It was incredible. 

Over the next several months she was blown away by what her body was doing, how her muscles were sculpting, how no one could believe she was in her 50's, how good she felt...how mentally and spiritually and emotionally she was able to make a difference.

It was maybe 8 months later, more or less, that I was going to have to stop training because I was going to be on the road so much.  She came for one last training session and before she left she said...

"Maria, I just want to share something with you. You know that day when I came and we talked and prayed?  I was really contemplating suicide. That and these workouts, God's grace through all of this, saved me....I thought I had hit the last of my life and it didn't have meaning anymore, that my body and spirit were just done, I had no idea there was so much more. It seems silly to say, but it's true being healthier, learning how to do that, how different I feel, seeing my body change in positive ways and the way it effected me mentally, emotionally, etc. It saved my life. So thank you."


I started crying. I had no idea. 

I share this----not to say "oh look what I did!" Cause I had no clue I was doing anything, I was just passionate about helping people to be their best self, about caring and loving and serving Jesus in the little...But honestly, God could've used anyone. For whatever reason, that time He used me. 

Those of you reading this--you have no idea how God is going to use you and is probably using you now to save peoples lives in ways you're clueless of at this time.  Those of you who are struggling to see value in your life--you have value, you are amazing, God's not done with you. It doesn't matter how broken you are. He will still use you to do incredible, awesome things!  There are people whose lives need to be touched, hearts and souls to be loved, growth to happen for so many as a result of your choices to become the best version of yourself and to help others.

So let's do this! Let's make a difference--whether that difference is being a mom and changing a million diapers, or a dad who is grinding away at the job to support his family, or a coach, or a teacher, or a janitor, or the garbage man, or the network marketer, or the student, or musician, or the guy slaving away on Wall Street. YOU have meaning. YOU have a life to live. YOU are a gift from God. Know it. Believe it. Be it.

Make it a beautiful day!

Xo, Maria

1 Year Later...Let's Get Personal.

One year ago I entered into one of the most painful seasons of my life.

On Feb.24,2014 I had an injury where I torn my ACL, MCL and meniscus. The devastation of that,  on top of several already painful situations (my grandma dying, a guy I had been close with walking away without an explanation and a few others) was beyond words.

When you're a very active person, a go getter, and somewhat independent-used to being the helper, doing stuff for yourself and others, the giver...its a bit of a switch to suddenly be on the other side. Completely dependent on others-to the point where you have to have help with such basic things as going to the bathroom or taking a shower, or driving.

The physical pain from such an intense surgery, coupled with the mental and emotional pain,sadness,  frustration and anger was truly almost more than I could bear.

Everything happens for a reason and the fact that my surgery was 2 days before entering into Lent-a season of sacrifice and fasting, I'm quite certain was no mistake.

There were many days when all I could do was lay there on the couch with my leg propped up, tears streaming down my face, just wanting to die. My only praying being that. I had gone through dark times before, but the depth of darkness on every level during this time was indescribable and something I had never experienced.

In Scripture, it talks about Jesus crying out "my God my God why have you abandoned me", that cry pierced my heart in a new way, because that's how I too felt. My prayer during that time wasn't anything fancy.

My prayer was to simply breathe. In. Out. In. Out.  Just one more breath. 

 

Sometimes, simply choosing to be present, to stop fighting it, to embrace it by being, is the best thing we can do. The best, most real prayer we can pray. And the hardest. Sometimes, the most important lessons are the ones we learn when we didn't know we needed to, or wanted to. Sometimes, the most beautiful things happen out of the darkest, coldest moments. Sometimes in our deepest pain, if we hold on to Jesus and let go of our expectations, our preconceived notions, our safety nets, we end up finding more joy, more freedom, more love than we could have guessed. But that means being willing to be open, real, raw, human. It means letting ourselves be seen and loved in that incredibly vulnerable place and it's scary. But it's worth it. 

 

I can't say I ever want to go through something like that again. But I can say that I'm grateful for where I was cause it got me to where I am today. It taught me to both fight and to surrender...It taught me that:

 

I'm stronger than I was, but also more aware and willing to admit my incredible weaknesses and need for God and others. 

I laugh more than I did, but I also cry more. Because I feel more. I feel more, because I was quiet and still enough to let Jesus go to work on me without me getting in the way.

I'm more confident, and yet more aware than ever before how fragile I really am. Confident, because I know in my weakest and most vulnerable, that HE is carrying me.

I'm more grateful for the people in my life and the way each person has been a gift to me. Even those who have been difficult at times, because I too have been difficult, and yet, people have chosen to love me anyway.

I'm striving more for excellence and less for perfection. Because the reality is, in my eyes I will always come up short, but in a seeking of excellence that's ok, because there will always be more growth and more healing and more becoming the best version of myself until the day I die. 

I'm more patient with myself and others. With my faults and failings and others faults and failings. Because we are human. We make mistakes. We fall down, we get back up. And that's ok. That's what grace is for.

I'm more merciful; with myself and others. Because we are all broken, yet beautiful.

I'm more driven and have more of a passion to help others, because I know what it's like to be in a dark dark place, to feel stuck, to need a hand to hold, to need others to see the potential in me when I struggled to see it in myself. 

I'm more vulnerable. Because it really is in our vulnerability and openness that great things can happen. That great healing can take place. That Great love can grow. 

I'm more ok with trusting life--and by trusting Life, I mean trusting that truly, God is bigger than it all and that whatever happens, no matter how bad, how hard, how dark. That He truly is working behind the scenes to bring something awesome, amazing and more beautiful out of it all, if we let Him. 

I don't know what future holds. But I know WHO holds the future. And that's enough...

Have a beautiful day~